Wobble Bubble

Aiyo Jaya Nagaraa…

2012-01-29T02:40:00.007+05:30

Welcome to Meru. India’s premiere cab service. Dear customer! As the state government has revised the fare for radio taxies in Bangaluru with effect from 2nd Nov. 2011, each kilometer charge has been increased nominally to Rupees 17 and 50 Paise from Rupees 15. The minimum fare………………. Blah Blah Blah.......... Currently we are in process of recalibration of meters in all our cabs, which will take a few days so kindly pay the charges as per the printed receipt…………... Blah Blah Blah…

Okay, if you are still with me, I take you have nothing better to do ~~in your life~~ or at least in the present moment. This also concludes that your reading it further won’t make any collateral damage to country’s progress per se. So here goes!

So my dear jobless friends! These stupid lines are played to you in slowest possible pace by those ludicrous machine voices whenever you try to book a cab in Bangalore. Oh I get it its important, but dude.. if someone is booking a cab 5 times a day, don’t you think there should be at least an option to skip this crapola and move on with the actual business? Whatever happened to the commonsense?

Anyway, so last week when I was in Bangalore, I booked a cab with these smart Meru people to be picked up from Hotel SFO where I was meeting a friend. I didn’t know the exact location and I told them its Jaya Nagar or JP Nagar. I have no clue how they did it but within 5 minutes a cab was there. The guy even called me that he is waiting outside (though my number was STD for him). Quite impressive! Huh? Err.. not so fast, coz that’s what I did wrong…

The very next day, I was in SFO once again to meet the same friend. With the pleasant experience day before, I called Meru again. Guy confirmed the booking - Yes, Mr. Gupta, Hotel SFO, JP Nagar. (I think they picked it from last night or whatever)

In 10 minutes or so, there is a missed call on my cell. I don’t usually call back to these asinine missed callers but some instinct tells me that its my cab driver so I decide to call.

Me – Yes,

The guy other side – Saar, this is Satya from Meru. Where is your hotel?

Me – Well… I don’t know.

Satya – Saar! is it Jaya Nagar or JP Nagar?

Me – I wish I could help you my friend but I really don’t know… Why don’t you ask your call center? They sent someone last night as well.

Satya – You told them its JP Nagar

Me – No, I told them its either JP Nagar or Jaya Nagar. That too yesterday! Today your smartass call center guy said its JP Nagar

Satya – So saar, its Jaya Nagar or JP Nagar?

Me – I don’t think you are listening buddy but let me try again.. I D O N T K N O W

Satya – But saar….

Me – Oh Come on? Why don’t you get it? How do I know where the hell it is! I am a stranger in this city.. You speak to your call center and figure that out.

Satya – Jaya Nag…

Me – Oh crap.. hang on a tick. Let me take your call center on line

So I call their office and yes, I go through trauma of listening to that 72 seconds crap and then they connect me with a representative. Don’t worry Mr. Gupta.. it will be arranged. I will speak to the driver.

Another 5 minutes. Missed call again... I call back

Satya – Saar, this is Satya! Is it Jaya Nagar or JP Nagar

Me – Are you insane? I just spoke to your call center and the guy said its all arranged.

Satya – But Saar its Jaya Nagar or…

By that time, my patience is running out. My friend (who’s from US and has never seen this kind of crazy lot in past) is laughing his lungs off.

Me – Dude! I don’t know.. and I don’t care.. you figure it out.. If you can, all good. If you can’t.. even better.. Cancel the damn booking but just don’t call me again.

Another 2 minutes, missed call again.. OMG! This is not happening to me.. left with no choices.. I dial again to their call center and yes, go through the damn recorded voice and by the time an agent responds, I am ready to explode. So I describe the situation to him with various colorful adjectives and then finally after 30 minutes or so cab arrives.

End of trauma you will think.. but nope! I reach back to my hotel and Mr. Satya tells me that I will have to pay 50 bucks as convenience charge coz it was beyond regular 35 minutes and thus as per rules (Yes, go to start of post once again)

Me - Are you insane! What is it with you guys? If this is how you guys get your kicks in Bangalore? Screwing around with the innocent passengers?

Satya – Grinning.. but Saar

I swear I could totally bang his head to the hood but my gut told me its not a wise thing to do, especially when you are not on home turf.. so well..

You will think. I must be done with Meru by then… but nope! What do I do with my kind, sympathetic and generous heart!! It must be one bad day and one crazy driver I thought and in an impulse booked a cab again for airport transfer…

to be continued….

In the meantime, advise to Meru – GPS! Ever heard of that?

PS – I see that I left my last post with "to be continued" and its after almost 2 years that I am back on blog. So yeah.. I do understand my words are not very credible but this time the story will be continued ;)

Cheers!

Beware! Bozos on the loose

2010-03-08T02:02:00.004+05:30

Have you ever noticed how many jerks are rambling open in this world who should have never actually been allowed to come out of the primary schools. They will look like our regular next door guy but with a catch, and that is, they never actually came across the basics of a civilized society. They wander open in streets threatening to humanity and can be found everywhere without putting in any major efforts. If you ask me, now when they are already out and probably too old for schools, only other suitable place that comes to mind is perhaps a zoo.

The subjects here can be divided in several categories and as it will not be possible to cover them all in a single post, I will start with a generic category which is usually found on roads. You don’t really need to hunt for them, count 1, 2, and hey presto! There they are… honking with all their might. No left, no right, no rules, no regulations, just honk honk honk. To quench my never ending thirst for erudition, I decided to interview some serious gamers in the field with just one question, why do people honk! So here we go…

Subject 1 – 20 something, nicely trimmed goatee, wearing a leather jacket, pierced ear, expensive shades and even expensive bike

Style uncle style! Gotta noticed by chicks, aap nai samjhoge baba, tez gadi chalane padta hai, ladki log ko impress karna padta hai (you won’t understand old bag, need to drive fast, need to impress the gals)

Subject 2 – in his middle age, accelerating an old Bajaj Chetak like doing 120 miles per hour but actually standing still on a red signal, finger firmly glued to horn button.

Puzzled.. am I? heh heh!!

Subject 3 – from some nearby village, in a Mahindra Utility overloaded with grain bags, milk cans and 2 buffalos. Wearing Pagdi, dhoti and kurta (Turban and traditional Indian dress)

Tanne ke? Mhari gadi, mhara horan, tanne ke panchayant hon laag ri hai? Aur ib side main ho le, varna mar mara javega (None of your bloody business. My car, my horn, who are you to ask? And BTW, stay out of the way or will be flattened here only.)

Subject 4 – a truck driver on highway, no traffic but still screaming with the pressure horn.

Gadi ke peeche dekho saab (look at the back of truck sir)

In colorful letters it had written -

Hum bhi banna chahte the sangeetkar, par duniya luta baithe

Kismat kuch aise palti, lorry chala baithe

(wanted to be a musician but lost everything, life took a steep turn and ended up as a truck driver)

Bus saab is liye ye horn se he music baja baja ke khush ho lete hai (so sir, I try to please myself by playing some music with this horn)

Then suddenly some loud folk music echoed in the air, I tried to figure out where it was coming from and saw a camel-cart on the far end of road. As it came nearer I asked the villager riding on it. Hey what’s wrong, why this loud music?

kya kare saab, hamari gadi main horn nai hai na, to bus ye gana baje ke he khush ho lete hai.

(What to do sir, no horn in my camel-cart so trying to please myself by this music only)

To be contd..

(with a different category of bozos next time)

Till then, keep honking…

Cheers!

Happy _______ Blah blah blah…

2010-03-02T03:47:00.003+05:30

Okay fellas, so it is Holi, and by the grace of all those messaging aficionados, my cell inbox is full once again with all those colorful, loving, emotional and heartily good wishes. Now I really appreciate that and I mean it, but there is a small problem, literally insignificant, and that is, I don’t know the names of more than half of these well-wishers. I know am sounding discourteous as usual but can’t help it and I need to ask this one question – WHY DON’T YOU GUYS WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE END OF MESSAGE? Do you think just because you have my number in your phonebook, I will also have your number stored? And hey, let us get this straight. I don’t have any misconception about myself so let us not fake it. I know, most of you have my number stored only coz either you are too lazy to manage and clean up the phone book or you simply don’t know that cell phones also have a delete contact option. So willingly or unwillingly, on every occasion, which India has in tons, you simply select all and send the so called best wishes. You guys have no clue, what a herculean task it is for someone like me who don’t have a phonebook at all. However, today, to make an exception, I decided to dig through my old phonebook backups and guess what I found – Among others, I also got best wishes from -

Someone who literally threatened me in our last meeting with words “dekhna aap”, (You will see), which was around 7 years back.
In-charge of banquet hall in our wedding.
Some corrupt embezzling officer to whom I spoke once for an order (in my previous business) and the deal didn’t materialize coz apart from money, he asked for some xxx CDs (internet was not that common those days). Again some 6 years back.
An old crook customer who didn’t pay the final invoice and stopped picking up phones, replying to messages and ended up in bad debts.

Then there is a guy who never stays in touch otherwise but will always send a message on festivals. As obvious, I don’t bother to reply so after 4 days he will call personally to tell me, yaar maheep, bade aadmi ho gaye ho, message ka reply bhi nai karte? (Maheep, you have become a big-shot or what, you don’t even reply to my messages?). Urgh.. come on buddy, get a life. The same fellow, met me once after marriage and greeted with – “Yaar shadi main bulaya he nai? Bulate to kuch dekar he jate!! (Hey, you dint invite me in your wedding, If nothing, I would have given some gift). Now what could I say.. so.. wateve!!

Anyways, I have this special festive offer for all you guys, instead of sending a message next time, please call me and I will tell you how to delete a contact from your phonebook. Muft, muft, muft!! (Free, free, free!!)

Cheers!

Christa’s Wobble, Gobble, Goggally Goup whatever..

2010-02-16T15:36:00.004+05:30

A week or so ago, I noticed that the silicone is wearing in my shower. While I have been trying to do everything to avoid having to repair the shower it has come time to do something with a bit of black mold behind the silicone.

So I make the inevitable trip to Home Depot (not sure if you have one of these stores but if you don’t they will come…invest in them but don’t ever shop there). I ask one of the many ‘helpful’ people there who simply tell me to remove the silicon, clean it really well and replace it. All you need is a few simple supplies and it’s a piece of cake. Cake I think, yeah right. I have no choice so I buy the simply supplies and walk out the door.

I start hacking away at the old silicone around the shower but I of course, cannot get in between the glass and the silicone on the glass door. So I again, make another trip to Home Depot (aka hell) this is the inevitable Home Depot scam #1 – you ALWAYS end up going back and forth because they ALWAYS forget to mention something, don’t tell you how much you need, or something doesn’t work. I chat with some ‘helpful’ staff who don’t know what I am talking about – I’m smart enough to take some photos (this is a must for any Home Depot question because they never know what you are talking about when it’s close to lunch) and they tell me that I have to remove the glass. Removing the glass no longer sounds simple. I drive home and start taking apart the door to remove the glass. Of course, the bolts will not undo (this is Home Dept Scam #2 – the necessary bolts never unscrew). I drive back to Home Depot to buy some WD-40. A few hours later, the glass is amazingly in one piece and I now have the silicon trim. I am proud! Again, I drive back to the minimum wage workers at Home Depot hoping for an easy solution and show them the piece I need – after going around the entire store, waiting for people to come back from their break and being passed on from one department to the next, I am eventually told that they don’t sell any bathroom trim pieces (Home Depot Scam #4 – they never have the pieces you require but are happy to sell you an entire new kit). Now, I am angry with myself for getting in so deep and not listening to my gut that this entire idea was stupid and it would be best to let the shower completely mold until it fell apart. So the next day, I spend a good chunk of it calling all around the city looking for a replacement. I find one place where the man actually seems to know what I’m talking about.. Naturally, they are located across town, a 40 minute drive each way with no traffic and over two big bridges which at any given time could have an accident on them. The next day, I do the trip, find the place only to be told they don’t have it in clear. Oh well, black, clear, whatever. Plus, I figure in the future, no one will see any black mold because it will be hidden in the black trim.

Come home and finally think that I can start the ‘putting it back together stage’ except I need one final run to Home Depot for some new screws. Of course, after scowling through 500 little boxes of screws with most of them meant for 7 foot apes, I find someone who works in the Department (yes, Home Depot Scam #428 where people can’t actually help a customer in another department) only to be told that they don’t have the ones I require. The man suggests I visit a specialty store not too far away. I finally get the screws and return home. It’s now taken me a half of a day to get a piece of plastic and eight screws. I should have just bought an entire new shower for $1,000.

So finally I begin the new silicone installation, I have a silicon gun, gloves to ensure the stuff doesn’t get on my hands, etc. etc. An hour or so later, I have one side panel on – it looks pretty good. Then I realize that I can’t install the bottom plate with the side panel on. I have to remove it. So I remove it, go to remove all of the silicon and of course, cleaning it makes a huge mess. Now, I’m not happy. I spend three more hours removing the new silicone. There is a big mess in the washroom, in the kitchen and everywhere in between because the silicon sticks to everything including myself, my clothes and socks.

This brings me to today. With another trip to Home Depot to buy more ‘supplies’ including another bottle of silicone and gloves, I begin again. All and all I do a pretty good job. I follow the instructions of putting a line of tape, putting a bead of silicone. No one mentions for how long I am to leave the tape and silicon on but I do large portions and remove the tape and for the side panels it appears to be working. However, on the bottom there is a bit of a gap between the silicone and the bottom panel which is obviously crucial to ensure the wood behind the showers doesn’t get wet. So I push the silicone down. It looks like crap. I call my Dad, he tells me to get rid of the gloves, lick my finger and just run it along the bottom. Hmmm I was told not to get it on my hands but now my Dad is telling me to lick my finger….it doesn’t sound so healthy… but at this point, I don’t care. I can eat a bit of silicone or go insane removing it all again and tossing it over the balcony and ending up in jail. I work away for several more hours thinking about how I am going to explain why a certain plan isn’t done and figure someone might laugh hard enough from my stupidity to forgive me for a day or two. I work away while thinking about business ideas and the irony of improvement business. ‘Home Hardware - Home of the Handy man” If I could find one there who would do the job I’d shop there but wait, they don’t shop there either. Home Depot’s slogan ‘More Saving. More Doing” Yeah, apparently opportunity cost aren’t calculated in this equation - you save $5 and spent a week of your time. There’s a bargain. So eventually, it looks pretty good but I don’t feel well. I feel nauseous!

I get up and try to figure out how to put the door on but can’t remember how it was done and logically, the door holder and the glass metal doesn’t seem to make sense. The door is now sitting against my dining room chair in the washroom. Perfect!

With several hours sitting on the floor of the shower installing silicon, how about a ‘Dog House Eliminator’ App – it’ll remind you of events and give you ideas of what to buy and what’s expected?

Perhaps tomorrow, I might get the door on.

Cheers!

Now if you guys are wondering that narrator of the story does not look like me, you have guessed it right. Meet Christa, she is a very good friend and business associate, lives in Canada and apart from fixing showers, do wild life photography, play with numbers (accounts) and of course tolerate me to make some of the retarded product ideas come true.

Edit - I think I should have posted it in two parts but when I was reading it, I didn’t really realize its that long. Anyways.. read it on your own risk.. oops.. I think disclaimer should come before the post..but then.. whateve!!

Insomniac Thoughts...

2010-02-01T03:27:00.004+05:30

Its 3.00 AM in night. Don’t feel like sleeping. Well, I tried but no such luck. Feeling like writing.. hmm… but what? My mind is wandering in all directions. I suppose, germs in my brain are some extra active and restless kindda souls so lots of churning as usual. I can probably work. There is a mail I was supposed to reply 2 days back but at this time am not able to think straight so not a good idea. If she (client) gets to know that I chose to write a blog post over her work, I am a dead man. But still, not in the mood right now. You know what, lucky are people who fall in sleep immediately after getting into bed. Wifey is a good example who sleeps like a drunk. The moment she closes her eyes, she is asleep. Then there is me who fights with himself every night to slumber and finally when it happens, no more than 2-3 hours.

BTW, have you guys encountered the jerks when trying to withdraw money from ATM? These ATMs are supposed to make our lives easy but most of the time end up making it all the more miserable. Thinking again about it, its not the poor ATM, its us, we the people. Anyways, I suppose, there is nothing else to write, so let me try to classify some popular categories for the dumbasses found in ATMs

1) Slow and steady – They firmly believe in living life leisurely. Even if the queue outside is a mile long, they will enter in the booth as if walking in the garden. Spend another 3-4 minutes in finding the card in pocket or bag or whatever secret place they choose to store their valuable possession. Needless to say, they will read each and every instruction/step on screen and then carefully make a choice. Once the money pops out, another 2-3 minutes to count it twice or thrice. Just in case the dumb machine has decided to cheat on them. By the time they come out, most of the people are either calling names, or left in search for other booth or postponed their withdrawal.

2) United we are strong – When someone actually thought of these machines, they imagined of a single person operating it and thus designed the booth to accommodate only 1 person. But then there are few shitheads who just don’t get it. This kind of people will be found stuffed in ATMs unless there is no more room even for air. I have no fucking clue what exactly they do inside or why do they need to go inside in company but when you are alone and they are at least 5, its not a good idea to ask. Is it?

3) Hey its Sunday, let us train the family – I once happened to stuck outside of an ICICI ATM where some jerk was trying to teach his kid on how to operate this miraculous piece of modern machinery which eats your card and pops out money. For first few minutes I didn’t get what exactly is going on but then the smartass started with the 2nd kid and I literally lost it. I barged inside and he was like.. hey don’t you know, you are supposed to wait outside when someone is already in. What happened next is enough material for another post but trust me it was not nice :)

4) I need to use it now, I mean right now – These people somehow missed the primary classes when they were supposed to be taught about things like waiting, queue, patience etc. They will come straight in, totally ignoring your presence inside and start staring as if you are committing some kind of crime. Best part is, most of them are well educated or at least look like that. Try to question them and all you will get is... its so hot outside or hey I am not gonna steal your password or money and so on. Oh what did you say? Guard? Come on, its so hot and thus he is already in, resting on the floor in comfort of AC.

5) Oh what was my PIN once again – I don’t know why the hell banks made this whole process so difficult? I mean 4 bloody numbers for the PIN? Are you nuts or what? How are we lesser mortals supposed to remember such a long and difficult combination? Oh yeah, let us do one thing, write it on the back of the card itself. So these morons will insert the card, attempt 1 or 2 wrong passwords but then its so damn difficult. Hence cancel the transaction, card comes out, check the PIN, insert again. Finally ATM surrenders, money comes out and bingo!! We are done.

Hey I managed to pass almost 15 minutes and this can go on but I am supposed to pick up mom n dad from station in morning 5.00. I have got almost one and half hour so better I try to sleep again… good night folks.

Cheers!!

You are hired...

2010-01-25T22:47:00.003+05:30

Few days back we published an advert in newspaper for developers and some other posts like content writing and online marketing. During the process of scrutinizing the right candidates, I also got the pleasure of talking to some real gems. I don’t think it will be the only reason if I am found in a mental asylum in couple of years but there will be a huge contribution to these adverts which we keep on publishing on regular basis. So, here goes the collector’s edition of these not so rare gems.

Candidate 1

Without bothering to introduce or wasting time on hi hello

C - Is it xxx-xxx-xxx

Me – Yes

C – So what is the profile of your company?

Me – and what is it regarding?

C – You have this advert in paper for job requirements.

Me – Well, in that case, don’t you think, I should be the one asking for this question?

C – Umm, I am xyz and I have completed my engineering and... some blah blah blah

C – May I know who am I speaking to?

Me – Maheep

C – So Pradeep why..

Me – M A H E E P

C – Yeah Sandeep

Me – cutting in between... Mail me your resume and we will see.

C - Why don’t you text me your address and I will bring it in person and then we can speak further.

Me - Why don’t you shove it up in your… arsehole

Candidate 2

C – Hi, my name is XYZ and I am a network engineer in YYY but I am looking to change the profile and wanted to know more about your institute and courses you are offering.

Me – Where exactly our advert says that we run an institute and offer courses?

C – It says .Net, C++ and all that

Me – Yeah, but if you put in a little more effort, it also says we need software developers.

C – Oh! Is that so? You are looking for software engineers and it’s not about training?

Me – Precisely

C – Umm, you have mentioned .Net in the advert so that should be for network and in that case my current profile will suit you.

Me – What did you say? You are an engineer?

C – Yeah

Me – Computer Engineer?

C - Yeah

Me – Ever heard of Google?

C – Yeah

Me – Then use it shithead, to find the meaning of .Net

Candidate 3

in email

In reference to your advert for the post of software developers, I have sent my resume on xx-xxx. This is to remind you, if it meets your expectations, call me.

Thanks

XYZ

So what are you? Godfather? Chota Shakeel?

Mind it, I am not exaggerating. It’s copy-paste from the Godfather’s email and same with the phone conversations. I think I have all the reasons to feel blessed that I didn’t attend all of them. Otherwise… god save me…

That reminds me of my first meeting with my father-in-law who didn’t have a clue about software industry and quite naively he asked. So son, where do you procure your raw material from? So folks this is our raw material, man power, and this is how we procure them.

Cheers!!

What next!!

2010-01-16T23:07:00.003+05:30

Couple of years back when our beloved Ekta Kapoor stormed the Indian television with her shoddy and sappy soaps, I used to think, nah, this cannot really work. Its just a time being phase which will fade out pretty soon. I don’t need to mention, how very wrong I was. Quite soon every channel had at least 20 creepy shows of their own. All they needed was some wanna be actors, an out of work sound engineer to record thud-dish-dhum-thud sounds and someone with Parkinson’s to operate the camera in full zoom 10 times in a row on the face or eyes or legs of those so called actors. Rest assured that whole bunch of dumbass people will be watching them religiously to shed tears and rock the TRPs.

Then came the reality shows time. I don’t remember watching even a single show but it was very in. At that time, I didn’t bet on their success or how long it will go but thought it couldn’t go worse than this. Sigh… time proved me wrong once again and there came so called laughter shows. The only idea of humor for those perverts was cross dressing and cracking cheap jokes with some pre-paid guests to laugh on each and every word uttered by those gender-benders.

Now when they already had the rock bottom touched, what next? Come, welcome to the era of “The Perfect Bride” and “Rakhi Ka Swaymvar”. By then I had already stopped watching TV and worrying about their standards but I used to feel so irritated and frustrated that I was like screaming if I saw someone watching that shit. Come on people, you can’t bloody blame the producers coz its us who make these shows hit and invite them to line up with all the more shitty stuff. However, this is a weird world and all the more weird is the breed of TV producers so now we have “Raaj Pichale Janam Ka”. I am not sure how can someone in right state of his/her mind tolerate this hogwash but as it shows lots of people do stomach and even believe this trash. In past few days I have seen several people expressing their urge to be part of this show so guess the producers are right once again.

As they say, it’s the consumer who drives the market, not the other way around so its no use my grumbling here. Let us be prepared to watch porn shows, beer bar fights, go-go dance competitions and sorts in near future. As far as TRPs are rocking and money is rolling from SMS polls, keep em coming…

Cheers!!

Whereabouts, vacation log, cuckoo birds tales etc.

2010-01-10T21:32:00.003+05:30

Okay, so finally I am back from a disastrous vacation in Sikkim, alive and now after almost 2 weeks, kicking once again. To be honest, I was not very keen to go in first place but just before the scheduled departure I actually started looking forward to it. Now what happened out there is altogether different story and it vindicated my thoughts about cancelling this. Although it was full of messy shit but there was something else which was truly out of this world.

You know there are couples made for each other and then there are those who are not happy with just made for each other, they want a lot more than that and fortunately or unfortunately we had the pleasure of company from one such couple during this trip. I know later or sooner they will be reading this but sorry folks I need to vent out and probably you also need to think again about this, all for the good cause of course.

Okay now imagine this – you start a sentence with a so called affectionate pet name and end it with the same pet name. Sounds romantic? Wait… let me give you some real life examples. mota chal na mota (Fatty come fatty), kuchu chal nahane chalet hai kuchu (kuchu let us take bath kuchu), Mota dekh ye mere ko aise kah raha hai Mota (Fatty, see what he is saying Fatty). Now replace these pet names with anything which fancies you and is remotely romantic or affectionate or tender or adoring or erotic in your opinion. Then multiply the instances with 1000. Done? Now for heaven’s sake think about the other people who are with you and willingly or unwillingly listen to all these so called not so sweet nothings. Yes it hurts baby and goddamn it you have those closed rooms where you can cling to each other. You were obviously enjoying it guys, but sorry, PDA is a BIG NO after a certain extent and you guys made it a fucking eyesore.

You will talk all the time like this, whether you are in public or private, you can’t keep your bloody neck straight coz it has to rest on the shoulder of your beloved partner. Then, you will make statements like kuchu dhyan se aana kuchu, samne glass pada hai (kuchu, please take care kuchu, there is a glass ahead). Gosh, kuchu has been gifted with his own pair of eyes and those seem to be working perfectly alright so please cut this horseshit. I know, I am not the right person to comment on love, care or romance but can safely say its not bloody love whatsoever.

So cuckoo birds, if you are reading this, this is a humble request, please think again about it. You guys are mature, smart and educated people. Stop behaving like you are in your first teenage crush. I know you care for each other but there are other ways to show that. You might be thinking what a rude discourteous ass I am but trust me other people must be having more or less similar feelings about it. So, about time to change guys…

Anyways, talking about other disasters, I don’t really want to think again about it coz that will make me want another vacation to come out of the trauma but hey some bulleted points won’t make it worse.

It took us almost 26 hours to reach there, which included a train journey, a no frill flight and 5 hours on road and when we finally arrived, I figured out, the hotel was altogether different from what we were promised and displayed in the pics on their website.
We had to search for 1 hour to get a half decent hotel immediately and when we actually found it, they had rooms available for just one night.
Next morning, hunt for the hotel begun once again and any hotel which we liked had no rooms and we had to settle in a lodge kind of thing for whooping 2000 bucks a day.
The cuckoo birds were very much interested in sight seeing coz in their opinion when they have spent 50k bucks on vacation, it was to visit places, not to stay in hotel and relax.
Cuckoo birds also thought, if we have come together, we have to visit those places together so poor me spent most of the time visiting zoos, flower exhibitions and other things while stuffed in the back seat of a Maruti Van (coz the goddamn place don’t have any option where tourists can have a car or bike on self-driven basis)
We went 40 KM and 10000 feet above from place where we were staying to see a supposedly frozen lake but after actually reaching there, figured out, my refrigerator has more ice than that bloody place.
When coming back, some jerks demanding for Gorkhaland as a separate state, blocked the road and we had to walk 3 KM with all luggages so that we can catch the flight in time.
Wait, its not over, on the Railway Platform that night, yours truly met an accident and fell down to rail track with the laptop and suitcase coz some moron from Indian railways thought the platform has been inherited to his father and he can do whatever he wants.

I am still on a rest to actually refresh myself from the ordeal of holidays so don’t expect much for next few days…

Cheers!

Alas!

2009-12-16T21:02:00.003+05:30

It was a usual morning with the usual rants I start as soon as I open the eyes. But then…

While getting ready for the office, I chose to decide that me don’t have enough clothes to wear! Everything looked like it was worn yesterday only. The matter needed some immediate attention but looking at the past track record, I was sure to be doomed if taken an action without having a guardian angel to support the cause.

Whom should I approach first! Mum seems the safest bet in such cases. Even if she doesn’t support, the chances of her exploding are almost equal to Mr. Prime Minister daring to say ‘No’ to Madam.

Me - Mom, I think we need to do something about it.

Mum – about what?

Me – Umm… I have nothing to wear. Every morning I feel like the beggar on road.

Mum – hahahha hahahaaaha ha ha haho hohohooh hahahahah

You are too funny at times.. ain’t you?

Forget it.. I am sure Dad will understand!

Me – Dad, have you noticed lately that I wear almost same clothes every day.

Dad – Hmmm???

He is in habit of retorting with this long Hmm when a matter is not worth commenting in his opinion. Of course he listens in the first time itself but responds with this long hmm to make other person understand that they don’t need to discuss it again for a pretty good number of days.

But a jerk that I am

Me - I don’t have any half decent clothes so…

Dad – So you mean all we have in that garret is rags, or shall I say cast-offs? Isn’t that a more appropriate word?

Oh this store… We have a small room on the mezzanine of first floor which contains nothing but a closet, some shelves and an iron board and wherever you look, you will see... well, my clothes.

Now we do have wardrobes but I prefer to use it for other stuff like old books, dirty clothes, extra chargers, junk electronics, scrabble, PSP and 9823457 other things, but that story, some other time.

Anyways, I knew where it was going so I turned to wifey but even before I could start

She – You know I tried to iron some of your T-shirts yesterday. Do you want me to tell Mom the exact number of Tee’s I did and then the ones which are still pending.

Me – Oh my god! Whatever happened to those 7 promises you made at the time of marriage? Dint it say something like supporting the husband in good and bad, right or wrong and some crap like that.

She – waved off!

So folks… Here I am, wearing a torn Jeans and faded red Tee. Back to the point from where I started the morning… Rants!

Cheers!

You are cordially invited…

2009-12-14T22:50:00.002+05:30

How long does it take to read a news paper these days? To me, reading the local paper is 10 minutes which includes classifieds, tenders, obituaries, name change declaration and yes, the so called news as well. But then there are some stories which would have been more appropriate for some kind of hall of fame section. If not the stories, then characters in the stories certainly are.

Few days back, I saw a headline about a theft for some 10,00,000 bucks. On first look, I felt sorry for the poor fellow who was out of city for 2 days and got swept off in the absence. However, as I went further the emotions changed. The poor (brains not the pocket) fellow left the home while around two hundred thousand in cash and rest as jewelry were tucked in a regular cupboard in his bedroom. Wow! Not even a safe, regular cupboard. Icing on the cake, the keys was placed on the top of cupboard itself.. Come on dude, what is it? Some consummate utopia? Or you were trying to play hidden treasure with the robbers? Okay, the law and order should be there but it won’t harm in taking some precaution. No?

Quite an innovative way to invite the troubles and misfortune… huh!

Cheers!

Whatever!!

2009-12-08T23:08:00.003+05:30

I am really in a shitty mood from last couple of days. Don’t know why so don’t bother to ask, but I see am livid and irritated with any and every one around me. Ever heard and seen a fuming-angry dragon breath-fire or witnessed really big volcanic eruptions? Yep, you got it!

Needless to say, the guys in office are the blessed ones to get it in abundance but not only that, I am like infuriated with every damn thing around me. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. Don’t want to socialize (hah, when did I feel like that anyways?). Can’t tolerate movies, not that they make even half decent movies these days but there were times when I could even watch a Mithun Da flick. Have a confirmed booking for vacation in Sikkim during Christmas, but feel like cancelling it every now and then. As obvious, I don’t feel like writing anymore and no, its not that bloody writer’s block coz I have hell of pointless stuff to blah blah about and then I don’t really think of myself as a writer, let alone their blocks.

Work used to be something where I never ever had any problems. Come what may, but business and office always kept me absorbed and devoted, but looking again, its no more fun these days. This is more of an obligation than passion. You know what, sometimes I feel like leaving everything aside and running far away. I think with my experience and qualification, whatever I have, I would get a job for waiter or probably a cab driver somewhere in a remote and peaceful place like may be Diu. See, what is the bloody point of working 14 hours a day? When you reach back to home in night, you are eating those 2 cold chapattis all alone. Now please spare the comments section and don’t start the gyan that probably I need to relook and try to balance out the things coz no, I can’t bloody do that. You know, Business is like a mouse trap. Once you are in, you are trapped. You cannot pull back coz once you start bossing around you cannot get your ass into a job where someone else is bossing you. You cannot stand still with costs rising everyday and competition ready to eat you up. All you can do is keep moving ahead somehow and that is the only way to survive. Ever seen a cricket in spider web or someone in marsh? More you try to come out, all the more trapped you are. That is business for you darling.

Of course there are perks but is it really worth? Its peace that we need in life, not a rollercoaster ride of stress every day. Happiness, which cannot come with the materialistic things in life. A few days back, I asked dad, let us buy a new TV, may be a 42” LCD or something and though he said yes but asked just one question. In last two months how many hours I have actually spent watching TV. I think it won’t come up to 24 hours in total but guess we try to distract ourselves with such things and try to find happiness in places where we are most unlikely to find it.

It ain’t any use writing pages on how I am feeling and am sure no one cares anyways but hell, its my place after all.

Finally, a little Trivia – As it shows “Bloody” is my favorite word these days, exceeding the uses by 99 times a day and 2 times in a sentence.

Cheers!

The so called weekend…

2009-09-14T22:36:00.004+05:30

Saturday, 12 Sep. 2009 – 4.00 PM Evening

Trying to wrap up the pending stuff, for a change let us go home early.

Skype Window appears on screen! XYZ calling…

The outer self (OS) - Shit!! Not now… Should I pick it… or should I not..

The inner self (IS) - You were supposed to go early Maheep..

OS - Come on, it won’t take more than 5 minutes.. its just a simple and innocent follow up call.. let us pick it.

IS - You kid me not!

OS - Its recession time… not a good idea to ignore when opportunity is knocking your door.

OS wins, picked up the call

XYZ – Hey Maheep, whats up. Hope I am not disturbing you on a weekend.

Me – Hey! Its okay, I am in office anyways.

XYZ – Great. I won’t take much time of yours, its just that I presented your proposal to the management and they are asking for some more details. Something more solid!

Me – And that is?

XYZ – Well, some kind of project plan, your suggestions to improve the overall productivity, how can you add value to the project, things like that. You know the typical management stuff to shut them up.

Me – And you don’t need it now, right?

XYZ – Ah, not now, I understand its weekend, but we are looking forward to make a decision by Monday, so some thing by Monday morning our time.

Me – Hmm

Hung up the call

OS – Fuck!

IS – Evil laugh. Don’t blame me sweetheart.

OS – Will you keep your bloody mouth shut?

IS – Wateve.. its your life.. your weekend…

Spent the whole evening working on relationship diagrams, flow charts, a brief presentation and n number of other supporting documents.

Saturday, 12 Sep. 2009 – 11.00 PM Evening

OS - Let us call it a day. Just the write-up thing is pending and I can handle it tomorrow.

IS – Excuse me but I think you promised wifey to go shopping on this Sunday

OS – I know, you moron. But this is not gonna take more than 2 hours. Got the whole day for other things.

IS – As if I don’t know you!

OS – Din’t I just tell you to keep your bloody mouth shut!

IS – :(

Sunday, 13 Sep. 2009 – 03.00 PM Noon

Neha – I thought you were going to office.

Me – Hmm??

Neha – Office? Ain’t you supposed to move your lazy ass from this couch and get ready?

Me – Reluctantly Hmm

Sunday, 13 Sep. 2009 – 05.30 PM Evening

Finally in office. Trying to work on the document when my friend Raj makes an appearance

Me – Argh!

Sunday, 13 Sep. 2009 – 8.00 PM Evening

Raj – chal bye then, bohat time kharab kar liya (Okay, see ya then, already wasted so much time)

Me - :)

Sunday, 13 Sep. 2009 – 10.00 PM Evening

Finished the stuff, clubbed everything. Trying to clean up the extra files…

Being an IT Professional, speed is the key. And we don’t believe in deleting the files via Recycle Bin. It has to be wiped out. So Shift + Delete.

Like they say! Speed thrills… but kills… and very next moment.

THE PROPOSAL IS GONE… WIPED OUT… DELETED!!

Shit! Fuck!!! Shit!

Now what??? Remember… recession time. It has to go today… Monday is already jammed so no use postponing it.

Sunday, 13 Sep. 2009 – 12.15 AM Mid Night

Finished again… Reviewed carefully… Sent email!

Somehow crawled to car, drove home. Wifey’s face expression suggests, not the best time to present the case so better go to sleep.

Monday, 14 Sep. 2009 – 10.00 AM Morning

New Mail from XYZ

Dear Maheep

Thanks a lot for your intensive proposal and project plan. We really appreciate the efforts you have put in to work on this but I am afraid, management has decided to go ahead with a local company from US.

Thanks again for your time and we look forward to work with you in future.

Best,

XYZ

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH… FUCK @#$@#$%^ SHIT @@#$@!w$@ YOU CAN’T BLOODY DO THIS TO ME…

Monday, 14 Sep. 2009 – 4.00 PM Evening

Skype window appears….

Such is life.. sach main nobody dies virgin!!!

Cheers!!

Its Rocking

2009-09-11T20:03:00.007+05:30

Though I must admit that I am on the atyachari (tormentor) side in this video but nonetheless its a harsh reality and awesomely rocking. Njoy guys and have a break...

Source - http://offisialatyachaar.com/

Cheers !!

Dilemma!!

2009-08-25T21:55:00.001+05:30

When I started this business long back, one of the first employees I hired was R. He was not a qualified engineer or exceptionally bright candidate, but yes, very dedicated and sincere. The salary I could offer him at that time was peanuts to be honest, but he never really complained about it. Looking back, it might be due to the lack of his degree and very limited options in software development field in the city but okay, that is not the point of discussion here.

As the time passed by, the company grew, and so did the salaries and number of employees. I figured out that despite all motivation, better working environment and other facilities, company was now offering, R was somehow unable to cope with the increasing pressure, emerging technologies and customer’s exigencies. As a senior member in team, I expected him to be responsible, initiative and reliable but it turned out that chances of him screwing up were directly proportional to the seriousness of the matter. In other words, if a client is growling on certain issue and we are the defaulters, I could always rely on R to make the matters worse.

We spoke about these things several times coz I accept it or not but somehow I had a soft corner for him. He supported us by not switching over the jobs and working in the odd conditions when the single most important thing we needed was stability from employees in those unearthly conditions. Every time we spoke, he used to pick mistakes in others but never wanted to improve his own self. I warned him so many times as things were literally going over my head, almost everyone in the team was unhappy with his attitude, bossism and peculiar ideas. The day came when I issued the last warning followed by sacking him from the job. It was not a pleasant moment but in a way it had a positive effect on the team. The message was clear, if R can be dismissed, no one is safe and instead of sticking to government employees kind of attitude, they need to prove their worth if they want to stay in the company.

Every thing was fine, well almost, until one day, R called back asking for a meeting. What followed up was a long discussion with him accepting all of the mistakes, willing to improve and requesting for just one chance on any cost. I usually have a rule to never take an employee back once they move out, be it from my side or theirs. So I did with him.

Another week passed by and he called up again. Almost crying, requesting for another chance, even willing to work without pay for a month or so and then proving his worth. Now at this moment I am in a quandary. The gut feelings say, things have changed for good after his dismissal and I should keep it like that. On other hand, when I think of his family, the school going kid and other problems in his life, I think of giving him another chance. So far instincts are winning, let us see what comes next..

In any case feeling better after writing it out!!

Cheers!!

Rakhi especial

2009-08-05T18:52:00.004+05:30

Disclaimer – The Hindi Script here has nothing to do with my previous post :) Its just that the essence of these few lines can be felt with Hindi only, though I have tried to provide the translations as well. So here we go…

Scene Setup

Around 12.30 in night, every body is asleep apart from few whispering members in the family.

A 25 some thing boy,
Girl – cousin of the boy, in same age group
An elderly lady – around 48, mother of the girl and "Chachi" (aunt) of the boy

Boy is trying hard to say some thing but voice quavering, as the deep sentiments takes over every time

Boy - चाची हम से कोई प्यार नहीं करता... (Aunt, no body loves me)

Girl is looking at the boy with quizzical expression on face, Lady is waiting for more to come…

Boy – बड़े भैया पापा के लाडले हैं, मंझले भैया माँ के, हम कहाँ जाए चाची... (The eldest brother is Dad’s favorite and younger to him is favorite of mom.. where do I go, aunt)

Every body else in the room is unable to speak… some of them chocked with emotions and some of them, plain afraid of loosing control of roaring laughter

Boy - चाची तुम हमें अपना बेटा बना लो चाची.. तुम में हमें अपनी माँ नज़र आती है चाची.. (Aunt, I see my mother in you.. I want to be your son)
Lady Finally speaks – अरे तो तुम मेरे बेटे ही तो हो, कैसी बातें कर रहे हो.. (Yeah dear, that is what you are.. my son..)

Boy – trying to control the tears..
Girl – trying to control the laughter
Lady – trying to control the urge to leave the room

Cut !!

Guys, this is not some Ekta Kapoor Soap.. Meet Tallu (name changed), the lead character from the drama, cousin of Neha. Rest of the characters, now you can identify easily, girl is Neha, and Lady here is her mom. This is an actual incident which took place few days back.. so what better occasion than Rakhi to introduce you people with the iconic brother of Mrs. Gupta, who despite all this idiotic brainless bumbling, is my favorite brother-in-law (no pun intended ;)

Later on, I tried asking the moron, why the hell he needs to name a relation to some thing which it is not? If that will change his feelings or make them any better? But guess what, that sent him again into effusion and he was unable to speak for next couple of hours.. O god forgive me for the sins I have committed!!

Before our wedding, Tallu dearest went to Pune to help Neha in packing up with her stuff. In the evening they planned for some eating joint and Tallu, Neha and Shipra (a friend of Neha) started in an auto rickshaw. Neha was talking to me on phone and Shipra was joshing Tallu. For few minutes Tallu tried tolerating the inattentiveness from her precious little sister but then it became all beyond his control. Now what can a self-respecting brother do in such circumstances… so the superman decided to jump out of the running auto and so he did. I heard “Arre”, “What happened” and some other frantic babblings for some time and then line went dead. Later on, I came to know that Tallu just couldn’t tolerate this ignorance and decided to flee away from those insensitive thoughtless people. Now the scene was like -

Tallu jumped from running auto and started walking away
Neha almost jumped behind him and started following
Shipra too stunned to speak and then finally screamed “Abe Salo, ye auto ke paise kaun dega…” (you buggers, who is gonna pay for this auto rickshaw)

Now, a man of fierce emotions that I am, I had to ask the shithead, what exactly he was thinking that he was doing.

हम से रहा नहीं गया जीजा जी, बताइए हम क्या करते! (Sorry but I couldn’t control it)..
First of all, its maheep, I have told you hell many times, not to call me Jeeja Jee.
अब ये हम से नहीं होगा जीजा जी (Oh, I can not do that)
!@#^&&%!#!@%$*)^&%!@#^&&%!#!@%$*)

Later that night, I was telling Neha, we are not going to speak tonight.. why? She asked. Oh come on, you will be in train at that time and if Tallu will see you talking to me, he is gonna jump from train…

Cheers!!

P.S. – All you brothers and sisters our there, learn to love and live from Tallu.. have a happy rakhi folks..

Desi meets NRI

2009-08-04T21:25:00.004+05:30

Heye Maaaahip, hawdy! These were the words in the exactly same accent that came to me as I picked up the phone. WTF! I grumbled and looked at Neha. The smartass lady on phone was a cousin of Madame (which explains my courage to be able to give those looks), settled in USA from last couple of years and as the conversation went on, she left no stone unturned to prove this very fact to me.

For few moments I was in a quandary as the “typical me” from deep inside was like tickling hard to laugh hysterically while the little left hemisphere was getting too very frustrated with this shitty tone of hers. I have a standard technique for such self-acclaimed chinless wonders, and so I did by switching tracks to shudh hindi (our good old Hindi) and the conversation moved on like “Jee, main bilkul theek hu, aap kaisi hai” (I am perfectly alright, how are you?)

I imagine, for a moment or two, she must be thinking what kind of village bum, her sis (Neha) has chosen but then Ting! The MENTOS moment… and Ms. Bluestocking realized the sarcasm. Long forgotten Hindi with perfectly alright accent came back to life. I was so inclined to ask the jackass about this sudden transformation but then, whatever!!

Later on I was acquainted with some more esteemed facts like whenever Her Majesty visits India, the whole colony gets a pesticide treatment so that NRI couple and kids don’t get some ailment from dirty Indian suburbs. Not only that, whenever the kids try to learn or speak Hindi, they get spanked coz this might result in forgetting their command on English which I guess is the one and only omnipotent thing in this world to them.

Seriously people, what the fuck is this? You were born here, spent 25 years of your life in these streets, speaking Hindi, eating food from those road side shops, drinking this water and now 3-4 years in USA or some other western part of this world and you find it grueling to speak Hindi in right manner? I think its not grueling, they feel some kind of shame in speaking in their mother tongue. Sorry boss, but please do us a favor and keep your fat ass in your almighty west only. We are really really not interested!!

Cheers!!

How to wreck your Sunday in 3 easy steps…

2009-07-19T16:43:00.007+05:30

1) Wake up

2) Find a theater near you.

3) Watch the first show of “Kambhakht Ishq”

For better results, try going along with a hardcore Akshaya Kumar fan. All the more good, if that person is your wifey or girl in your life.

Rest assured, for the whole day you will be in a peculiar state of wooziness, palpitations, agitation, spasm, anguishes… Okay, I guess you got the idea. Some of you might also get a mild suffering of insomnia for next couple of days but research shows that though there are no medicines for it but the good news is, it’s a temporary situation and the best way to come out is to think healthy and try to distract your mind by forgetting about that distressful day.

Same therapy (read steps) can be used for several other causes as well. To name a few…

1) Vengeance guide for dummies Well in this case you will have to gift the ticket to your enemy ( mind you, “ENEMY” not “husband”)

2) What you should not do if you are in film industry.

3) The idiots guide to break up with your beau.

4) How to get a severe headache in 3 easy steps.

Now the good part is, once you are done with the exercise, you will be an all new, improved, super shakti vala insaan (man with super powers), confident enough to go watch any damn movie. For the simple reason, come what may, no one can bloody make a worse movie than this... so in any case, the odds will be in your favor!

Till then!! Keep singing… Bebo main bebo, dil mera le lo… @#!%^$#

Cheers!!

Its only human to wish more…

2009-07-11T21:26:00.003+05:30

We often see chained mails already floating around the corners, posted on blogs, but I am not really a big fan of that. To me, blogging is more about my own experiences and views towards any and every unimportant and insignificant thing around me. However, a few days back, one of my friends sent me some stuff, claiming it to be the original requests from various employees in company, made to the Facilities and Housekeeping. Now I must admit that I was actually ROFLing while reading this and thus couldn’t help but break my rule for not posting the forwarded stuff.

Before posting it, I tried to search on almighty Google to check if its just another forwarded email but no such sign, so I hope this is not the case and most of you have not read it already…

Oh, another thing I couldn’t help was to add “My Take” on these innocent and original requests. So here it goes…

*Request Detail* - I especially came in early to prepare for a meeting but hah, such a waste of time.. WHY on earth my pedestal is locked? I needed my documents in there now!! Any clue why my voicemail has been disabled??? I am just lucky that my laptop is still working, so you can get this request and have it timed that I actually came in early.

Oh, apologies… Please disregard my previous message? I was actually at the wrong aisle and desk.

*My Take* - Never mind dude! In fact, thanks you didn’t blame them for not providing an escort on door. After all you go there just daily… so quite understandable that you forgot!

*Request Details* - The Whiteboard given to our team is so big. Is it possible to replace it with a smaller one? We do not really have enough work to fill it completely and then it gives false impression about our performance.

*My Take* - So very innocent of you but if your team leader knows this?

*Request Details* - Wall clock in the conference room seems to need new batteries. I am quite sure it was not just me who imagined time had stopped, and trust me meeting wasn't that boring.

*My Take* - You know my friend, I was once in your shoes too (Remember kyuki saas bhi kabhi bahu thee), so while I can feel your pain but unfortunately there is not much that can be done about it!!

*Request Details* - Since I have come back from my vacation, I am unable to find my chair. Seems somebody has stolen it and then there is no spare one with both of the arms in place, working pushback and a decent cushion (To be precise, one that hasn't been eaten by hungry programmers!)

*My Take* - Thanks, now at least they have another reason to close down the office cafeteria.

*Request Details* - XYZ’s lips have turned blue and he looks very tired. It seems to me the secondary stage of hypothermia. Is there any chance to get the heating turned up (even switching it on would be a good start).

*My Take*- Oh that seems fair but then you must remember Mr. Darwin’s theory “Survival of the fittest”, so they might be just trying to train you for the sore conditions.

*Request Details* - The left wall in the men’s loo on 1st floor appears to have gathered a wide collection of what I can only imagine as boggy or some other nostril fungus. It has already been few weeks, so its safe to assume that either the cleaners are not doing the duties, or someone has a very regular habit with a great ability to shape his bogies to the same size and designs.

*My Take* - Okay for once, no comments.. but some nice observation and imagination you have!!

*Request Details* - Male Toilet on 2nd floor is freezing. The obvious functions for what a person usually goes there cannot be normally performed in such low temperature as there is a danger of freezing and body parts falling off. (Watch Terminator – 2 for reference) Can anything be done apart from waiting for winter to end?

*My Take* - Now this is a valid and genuine request. At least one should be able to do those normal functions in peace :)

*Request Details* - The Coffee pot in pantry 2 has a large crack and I am afraid its ready to explode in my hands, cruelly spreading boiled water all over me, leaving me unable to perform to best of my potential and thus endangering future of company.

*My Take* - This is due to you my dear friend why the company and the whole country have managed to survive. If it was not you where would they have been!!

*Request Details* - Is there any provision for footrest on desks? My feet dangle if I try to sit properly on the chair.

*My Take* - To start with, how do you manage to sit? Ladder? Or two escorts?

And the winner is –

*Request Details* - The 2nd stall in the Gents toilets on top floor has no lock from several weeks. I am afraid of running out of songs to sing. Could you please either get that thing fixed or may be provide a lyrics book from 90’s hits.

*My Take* - but why do you need to spend that much time there, ain’t you provided with a cubical as well?

cheers!

Fiasco!!

2009-07-07T22:57:00.004+05:30

1) Bought a Brylcreem and a fevikwik (can’t help it, they spell it like that only) and gave 50 bucks to the guy on counter.

2) Waiting…

3) Nothing.. zilch.. dud!

4) Started taping on counter on my imaginary bongo while trying to be a nice and patient customer, instead of messing up with him to hurry up.

5) Guy looking in my eyes with quizzical look.

6) Change!

7) Smiling… you gotta be kidding, you give me another 2 bucks.

8) Wat!!

9) Yes sir…

10) Damn!

Hell, where exactly this country is going… 50 Rs. used to be a big amount man!!

P.S. - Now If you are wondering about this strange combination of Brylcreem and Fevikwik, then let me tell you the top secret gharelu nuskha (home remedy) to prepare a perfect hair gel to attain that perfect hairstyle.

P.P.S.– Try this nuskha on your own risk. Blog writer takes no responsibility and cannot be held accountable for the results per se the actions taken with the information provided here. After all it depends on your hair type, tolerance level, belief in remedy and 9933488 other factors…

Cheers!!

Image Courtesy : Google Image Search

Welcome to the Maharaja Experience…

2009-06-30T13:49:00.006+05:30

In our recent trip to Thailand we got a chance to experience the grand and magnificent Maharaja treatment. Torn, rebuking, blaring… errr.. what kind of Maharaja treatment is that! Don’t sweat darling, welcome onboard to Air India. The world’s most preferred airline (as per a note from CMD of our beloved airline).

I might be sounding exaggerated but trust me that is how it was. As we entered into the aircraft, the first impression was quite similar to of a local city bus. The cabin crew had an expression as if they were just spanked and told to stay on gate as a punishment by Mr. Pilot. Come on guys… a rather smiling face won’t do any harm.

The temperature inside was as hot as it could be when ACs are not working. Fortunately it came to life after some time. My wild guess is that either we were plain lucky or may be they were just waiting to get the cart loaded with all passengers to save on some fuel. We somehow found the seats and as we tried to put our fat bums on it, there was a strange creaking noise. I tried to look around and discovered that the seat was thoroughly fastened by surgical tape at various places. Wow, now that is some in-flight experience for sure. Virgin guys… where are you? What about your button operated flat bed seats! You might take a tip or two from Maharaja to make them more comfortable. A further glance ascertained that we were not the only one chosen for it, most of them were in similar state. For some of them it was the arm rest, for others it was flip food tray or some thing else. Now, I am sure you guys are nodding your heads in disagreement, so here, take a look yourself.

At the time of take off, Neha wanted some ear buds so I tried buzzing the stewardess. Tring… waited for 5 minutes, no response, never mind, they must be busy some where else. Tring again... same… Tring again.. lost the hope. After around 10 minutes an Aunty (what else do you call a 40 something air hostess?) came huffing and puffing. We needed some ear buds but never mind we managed fine, but yeah, could you please get us some magazines, I said with a forced smile. What she came up with was “Swagat” (welcome), a leaflet kind of thing with a note from CMD and some other internal stuff on how AI is world’s most preferred airline and how thankful they are coz we are flying with them. (But thanks anyway coz that gave me the ID of the CMD for feedback, where I am sending the link to this post, with least hopes to get a reply)

During the flight when aunty was serving the drinks, a poor passenger on the next seat was trying to listen to some music on his phone.

Aunty (almost screaming) – ye kya hai? (What is this?)

Poor Passenger (PP) – blinked... astonished with the sudden attack

Aunty - HAI KYA YE… (WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS?), Mobile phone?

PP – yeah but this is in flight mode

Aunty – whatever, even this is not allowed, band karo ise (switch the damn thing off)

PP – but…

Aunty – grumbling while moving ahead… Flight mode, huh…

PP – too stunned to speak…

All said and done, we can easily argue that it might be one bad day or one bad flight and not all of their flights are like that (even I agree coz the flight at the time of going was not half bad) but I have just one question, that is, what image AI is trying to portray by offering this kind of aircrafts and in flight experience in their international flights. In the age of this cut throat competition where every other company is trying to come up with best quality and service, if this is what AI guys are trying to compete with?

Cheers!!

Getting old’s a bitch…

2009-05-17T00:02:00.003+05:30

Some times I think how fast the time is moving. You wake up in the morning, start your day in home or come to office with so many plans and schedules made for the day ahead, but before you can even realize or start thinking about doing those things, you see its 4 PM already. The productivity of the day so far… cipher.. null! You look back, where exactly the whole day went and absolutely no answer to justify. Days become weeks and weeks become months and we stand still, wondering how fast bloody life is moving. It looks like a fortnight when year 2009 was started and as usual I promised rather targeted for few goals in this year. Looking again at it, half the year is gone and I am definitely not the half way to do those things. On Mondays when I start the day, I see the whole week ahead with certain chores to be completed and just more than enough time for it, but next time when I look at the calendar, it already shows a Thursday and an unwanted haste starts running in already screwed up life, just to make the things happen somehow but actually making them all the more worse.

The truth is, life as well as time is moving on its usual pace but its us, the human beings who have lost the synch with it. With the hidden desires and exhort to get more from every moment, the never ending yearn to achieve more and the craving to be ahead of everybody else has brought us to a place where we find ourselves so helpless and nothing but a slave to the clock. Every time we think about it, we make a promise to improve it once the current project or job is over, promise to the family to give more time just after these crucial 15 days, promise to give some time to ourselves once the current situations come in control, but do we really do it… nope! What we actually do is make another promise as per the new circumstances and that’s about it.

That’s been said, I am not getting frustrated or pessimist here but guess about time to think again over this. I am sure we can not run in this speed for long. Another 5 years and we will not be able to do 15 hours a day in office, another promotion with some added responsibilities and even remaining balance between professional and personal lives will be lost, then why are we making all this so complicated now. Why are we trying to surround ourselves with the things which even we will not be able to deal with after some time? We are running in a blind alley while not even realizing for the moments lost and when we will realize, it will be too late for sure. Its now when we need to change ourselves and start looking at life in a more laid-back perspective instead of postponing it for tomorrow or next week or next month.

Looking at the time, it shows 12.00 AM and here I am exactly 31 years old now. Damn! There goes another year from my life!! Nonetheless happy birthday ST! Have a wonderful year ahead...

Cheers!

Two Dorks… Part – 2

2009-05-05T01:30:00.007+05:30

The next day on the spree was actually a disaster. T accompanied us along with kiddo as she had to buy some sarees. Now the kid is a little devil at times, especially when some thing happens which is not to her liking. Going out on shopping is some thing which I suppose she fancies all the time. Reliance Fresh, Life Style and few others of them are her all time favorites and she makes sure that no aisle is left from her scampering. The first stop was a Saree shop but the kid found it little too boring for her taste and started playing tricks in first 5 minutes itself to make us

move ahead. When nothing else worked, she used her infallible weapon and a sound echoed in the store… “Mammaa Pottyyy” T’s face turned red with embarrassment. Its always the same, she mumbled, if she is not liking it, will do this coz she knows it too well that we cant ignore it. I don’t think we can stay here for more than 5 minutes while she tried engaging her with a chocolate. The kid however was determined and started singing the song.. potty potty potty... making us leave the store with our remaining self-respect. Though I must admit here, if it was not the kid, I had to do some thing like that. I some times pity those poor shopkeepers who deal with the customers from Venus, especially the saree stores where they unwrap hundreds of 5 meter clothing and they simply stand up and quit saying “kuch achha nai hai bhai saab” (I don’t see any good stuff out here) occupying the poor chaps for another hour of work to wrap them back.

Coming next was a multi brand store. Me and M were talking about buying some trunks when M found a basket and waved a floral piece of cloth to me.. “how about this one!” There were few females right next to him who looked at him in pure disgust. Sensing those looks we tried figuring out what is wrong when I pointed him to the board just above the basket. The board read “Ladies Hot Pants”. T who was watching the whole episode just couldn’t handle it. “cant you bloody see it?”. She said almost fuming. Me and M was speechless for a while and then burst out in laughter. “How do I know yaar, I was just teasing him with a floral print for the beach” M said in his defense but T was not listening any more and we were literally dragged out of the store.

On the next stoppage we did shop for few things but the gentleman at counter reported that this will be billed on 1st floor coz they don’t have this in system yet. So we placed ourselves in lift and waited for the 1st floor. The door opened and T ran through the counter. Me and M came out finding the ambiance quite familiar. “isn’t she the same girl who was there on the 2nd floor?” M looked around and said “Shit, this is the same floor, guess lift never went down.. where is T BTW?” The answer came shortly as T was humping back with those looks in her eyes. “Well, I think the button in lift has some problem and it didn’t work” I said but that was a lame excuse to say the least. T was pissed off by then and swearing never to go shopping again with us. We did try to console her with no success and thus ended another day!

Cheers!!

Two dorks, two weekends and a shopping spree…

2009-05-03T22:19:00.005+05:30

As you must have guessed by now, this post is going to unravel the mystery where I was lost from last couple of days, resulting in the drastic fall down in the popularity of my blog. Not that it was actually popular before but it sounds good at least! Last two weekends were a frenetic and hectic experience for us as well as some of the stores in the city as we were on the mission shopping. “We” means me and my brother (M). Though at some of the places, his wife (my sis-in-law T) also accompanied us but in general she makes sure not to make this blunder when we two are together, reasons still unknown to us.

So it started with Diwan Saheb in search of a suit and as we tried to open the door, were greeted by thick smoke from several incense sticks lit in at least 5 places along with the sounds of "Om Namah Shivay” chanting. We were like stuck when I asked M what he was looking for. There should be a bell usually found in temples, he replied. Before I could fall on the floor while laughing, the salesman inside caught the attention

SM - Yes sir while we were still on door

In unison - Umm, do we need to put off the shoes before we come in? like we do in temples

He frowned but said nothing so there we entered.. After looking at several suits and rejecting them all

SM - Sir, could you please describe what exactly you are looking for

Me - Well, I don’t know but what I can describe is we ain’t looking for the ones you are showing to us.

SM – isn’t it good to have it other way around sir

Me – *smile* #@$#!%^

SM - *thinking* feeling is mutual sir!!

The next stoppage was “The Raymonds Shop” The salesman glanced at us from top to bottom and immediately lost the interest while noticing the stubble, old tee and the slippers.

Me – we need two suit lengths.

SM –sir look at this one.

M – no we don’t need gray

SM – how about this one

M – oh I already have lots of blues and blacks

SM – loosing even the remaining interest as well and indicating the stuff already spread on counter

blue aapke pass already hai sir, gray aapko lena nai to phir to isme se he choose karna padega sir.

(You don’t want blue, gray you already have then you will have to choose from these only)

M – so?

Me – mockingly gray tumko lena nai, blue tumhare pass already hai to phir inme se he lena padega na.

We – burst out laughing while running to exit.

Somehow the suit trauma was over after looking another 10-12 stores and having almost similar experiences. Reportedly some of them have already provided our snaps to the guards on door to politely inform that they don’t have any thing worth for the taste of these two gentlemen, should we approach them again in future.

Having done the huge task M suggested celebrating this with a lunch before proceeding.

Me – I am not sure, T must be expecting us at home with the lunch already prepared.

M - Take your pick, I suppose she has prepared some Dudhi or Tinda (Bottle Gourd or Round Gourd) or some thing

Me – lets do it then but give her a call to get an idea of the mood. No?

M – hmmm.. calling her, so whats up!

T – Nothing, waiting for you two on lunch

M – Oh, I think we will be late, say another 2 hours

T – Hmm, you are not saying that you two are going to have lunch there

M – munching on a piece of chicken, well you tell me

T – you dare not

M – oh sure!!

Later that day, when speaking to Neha

Me – today was such a hectic day, didn’t even have food

N – why not? you could eat outside

Me – well, we thought about that but then M said, T has already prepared lunch at home so it won’t be nice to leave her waiting while we are devouring in a restra.

N – See... He is so loving and caring, and look at you.. such a rude and inconsiderate guy..

sigh… if only she knew…

to be continued...

(I can write another 2 posts on it but only if you are willing to tolerate, so do let me know)

Cheers!!

Not Again…

2009-04-23T14:32:00.002+05:30

Last time when I did it, I promised myself to never do it again. I still get that urgggghh feeling when I think of it and how herculean task it was, but then thanks to Ms. Speaks, whose emosanal atayachar has made me do it again. I didn’t want all of you to go through this agony and pain to read ridiculous things about me, my life, my daily routine etc. but blame it to her holiness. So here I am once again with a senseless stupid tag…

8 things I am looking forward to

1) Lunch.. hell, I am starving!!
2) A payment which was supposed to arrive last week but thanks to some stupid mistake in wire instructions, no sign for another 2-3 days :(
3) My new Blackberry Storm
4) Watching “The Fast and The Furious 4”
5) My fiancé’s trip to Delhi for shopping, so that she stays busy there and I can sleep in peace for few days!! (me just kidding Neha, you know I don’t mean it dear)
6) Gawd.. isn’t 5 a good enough number.. just because the creator of this tag had nothing else to do or was looking forward to too many things, doesn’t mean that others are also that much well planned and organized and enthusiastic about the things coming up..

8 things I did yesterday

1) Woke up.. duh!! Big deal!!
2) Took bath.. oh wow.. thanks ST for being so kind and considerate to other people
3) Came to my first love, that is office.. (so many other things in between which are not worth mentioning here.. ;)
4) Did my routine chore of screaming at people.
5) Wandered on streets to finalize some bookings for Neha’s wedding. Bloody 3 hours.. that too on a bike in full pollution and peak traffic hours..
6) Had a hot raging discussion with a client about some crap issues
7) Attended an online webinar in office
8) A long walk in night before calling it a day

8 things I wish I could do

1) Buy Yamaha MT01 but I know the day I will mention it to dad, I will be seen flying out of the house from window, so need to play safe…

2) Play Guitar

3) Have an isolated place where I could move when the world goes over my head.. happens quite often you see but can’t help it
4) Wake up early and stay regular with gym
5) Have a beach house (worry not.. I am gonna have it some day for sure…)
6) Do nothing when I want to

7) Open an old age home (again, I am gonna do it for sure.. so its not some thing in the “wish I could do” list.. it is some thing in to “I will do it in my life time” list.)

8) Find the person who devised this tagging idea

8 shows I watch on TV

1) Friends – Star World
2) Movies when I get a chance... any movie for that matter... even Mithun Da :))
3) News some times, though I prefer reading it online

Hah..cant help it, that is all I watch on TV so impossible to reach to 8 points… and at the same time why the hell some one will be interested in knowing and then remembering the shows I watch on TV?? Huh.. any thing you see any thing.. just for the sake of tagging..

And I here by promise that I will never ever bug you people again with any tag.. and its not about you people, it’s actually a favor I am doing to myself!!

Cheers!!

Obsessed??

2009-04-01T22:45:00.008+05:30

So finally Mr. Akshay Kumar and Ms. Aishwarya Rai were conferred with “Padma Shree” award this year. I am really surprised why it took so long to Indian Government in realizing their gigantic contribution to society, their enormous and not to mention larger than life involvement in making India a better place to live. Do you think its an easy job singing and playing around the trees, wrapped in classy chiffons or to publically compete in “my skirt is shortest and my cleavage is deepest” contests (where words “short” and “deep” change their meaning everyday) or to kick 15-20 goons all alone without any help, that too when you are being paid just over 40 million bucks for a whole 3 hour drama. You gotta be kidding man.. 3 hours of trauma and just 40 million!! That is seriously unfair buddy.. but look at them, how very kindhearted and noble, any thing for this society and public..

Hmm, enough of my crap but just can’t help it, coz I am actually amazed why are we so obsessed with these celebrities from cinema? People will be found standing in hot sun for hours just to get a glimpse of an actor or actress. There will be stampedes where a movie shoot is in progress, temples being made for actors (remember MGR) and what not.

I don’t understand what the fuss is about? They are also human beings of flesh and bones like us and if we need to get an inspiration or make an ideal, why do we seek that in movie stars? It really amuses me when some one says that Amitabh Bachhan or Shahrukh Khan is his/her ideal. Gosh, can you tell me what good they have done to this society that we find a role model in them? Okay, they entertain us, they make us laugh or cry but that’s about it. I don’t get it why I should see my role model in some movie star, why not Ratan Tata or Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam Azad? At least they have done some thing worth in their life to make us proud and make this country come forward in some aspect. But who cares, these thoughts are for dorks like me and not for our respectable jury members who make these decisions. I was shocked how they could forget Mallika Sherawat and Rakhi Sawant… may be next year folks…

Cheers!!

Tag vag!!

2009-03-25T23:12:00.004+05:30

Thanks to sawan and dewdrop, I have been tagged twice for this one in last couple of days and looks like this is one of the most popular tags these days. Reason being, wherever I go, I get to read 25 bizarre or pretended or fabricatedely overchic (there is no such words so don’t sweat) things about some one (okay, okay, some times truth as well). While I am not a big fan of these tags and at the same time not in the very best mood today to do such boring and weird thing but still thought of giving it a try. This is at least better than those idiotic questionnaire types like “What did you have as last beverage” (Fresh Blood, I am a vampire, do you mind!!). See, I told you, I am not in the best mood today but okay, here it goes.

1) Very straight forward, though most of the other peoples will find “rude” as more appropriate word and hell that is right… I don’t like people. No big secret it is.

2) I hate fake relationships. If I like some one, I give my 100%, be it care, concern, fun, love or any thing for that matter. But… if I don’t like some one, I care a DAMN!!

3) I am a workaholic by nature, rather by choice, and I am passionate about my work. When it comes to work, every thing else goes on second priority.

4) If I am not working, I am a slothful lazy ass who finds even blinking as one of the most tedious and laborious job. To check one of my those moods, one can see me on Sunday mornings when I am usually found spread on couch, sofa, chair, bed or even by the wall if nothing else works (read “available”).

5) I love to dance and do keep trying now and then, here and there. Though its altogether a different story that those bloody steps never fall in place and it usually leaves the viewers with their eyes and tongue either popping out or closed so tightly with an expressionless face coz the overall visual experience exceeds the human tolerance level to 100 times.

6) I love mornings and mostly in good mood at that time. One can usually find me shaking my bum and tummy hysterically in towel after taking bath and getting ready for office. As a relaxation to the family members, I don’t try my hands on singing and leave this part to the music system.

7) I am a big shopping freak and really hate this squandering nature of mine. I make a mental note to control it every time I shop, but alas.. so far so bad…

8) When I see small kids working in road side hotels or old frail people struggling for a living, it disturbs me like hell. One of these days I will really like, rather going to do some thing about it and need all the blessings which I can have.

9) Music turns me on and no matter how the mood is, it brings a smile on my lips. Duh! No big secret again…

10) I am obsessed with my car and love long drives, and yes alone!

11) Silent walks in night.. any time…

12) I love rains, and most of the times, as the first drop falls, I rush to the car for a long drive with all windows rolled down and rain drops splashing on face.

13) I am quite short tempered when it comes to work and scream a lot. Some thing I need to change about myself.

14) Perfectionist with a pretty good eye to the minor details. Of course not when I am working, its for the others’ work :)

15) Avid reader, crazy for fiction…

16) Not a food lover.

17) I am pretty good in playing with words and trust me it helps a lot when you are a manager ;) I often hear the term “sweet talker” about myself and hell its not like that man. Sadly no body trusts me :(

18) I have a really bad habit of picking mistakes and errors in other people’s work, no matter how he/she is feeling. Need to change of course :(

19) I was good with studies but never actually liked the idea of earning a degree just for the sake of it. The traditional education system sucks. Period!

20) Okay now a confession for bloggers, I really feel uncomfortable with blog posts with poems. I am not good with it and clueless on how to react. So if you don’t find me posting a comment there, please excuse me.

21) Speaking about confessions, another one.. some times I like Himesh Reshamia, come on folks, he is not that bad. :P

Okay, that is it, oh yeah, its still not complete as I am supposed to write 25 things but I am leaving 4 for you guys as an open house. Feel free to ask any thing you want to know about me and I will love to answer. I know, it’s a pretty dumb excuse for not completing it but not bad for some one who hates tags and trying it for the first time.

Cheers !!

PS - hats off to vin who actually wrote more than 25 things, can I borrow some from you dear !!!

"Still thinking", I am tagging you. Wow. its fun to tag some one when it looks like that he/she is going to hate it as much as I did :)

A steep turn…

2009-03-19T13:20:00.001+05:30

Once upon a time, there was a young guy. Not that bad looking, quite smart for his peers, almost settled in his life on professional front and the best part, still single.

Young, free and single was the motto and he was VERY happy with it. Saying him workaholic won’t be an overstatement but like I said, he was quite happy with what he had. He used to work hard, very strict and exacting in office and was notorious for his rude and boorish behavior when it came to deadlines and work. However, not that bad by heart he was happy with simplest and smallest pleasures of life. He loved driving and whenever could spare an hour or so, the first idea was to go on a long drive with favorite tracks playing on. An avid reader with a large collection of books and having done the crazy things like completing a novel in single stretch

Every thing was going smooth and easy until one day, when a girl came in the life. Before he could understand what exactly is going on, life took a steep turn and nothing was same again. The reserved slot of 12 to 1 for FRIENDS, which no body could shook him from, was now being spent while talking on phone. The books lay still with the bookmarks on the same page where they were 20 days back. For the first time, music system was silent in nights and incidents which never ever happened, started to take place.

Speaking about strange incidents, there were times when cell phones were strictly not allowed during the meetings but now it was his phone which would ring up any time, as uncertain as the load shedding and he was found convincing the other end to put the phone down with a promise to call again. And yes, during this exercise there were some odd statements like “I can’t” (now what does that mean?) or “Yes, yes, I do…” (you do what???). Whilst the other faces in the meetings were now having a blast of their life time by seeing their dourly boss in such embarrassing situation (especially after finally disconnecting the phone). Usually he was quite ignorant with his cell phone and in a habit to leave it any where in the office but now this habit was proving to be a disaster coz there were equally strange messages appearing on his cell phone, starting and ending with adjectives like baby, sweetu and so on.

Not that habitual of whispering for long hours in phone he fall asleep one night when the other end was still fresh and willing to go on for next couple of hours and it wont take nuclear science to figure out the results then after. From next day onwards he was in attention like an army parade. Though still trying to convince that let us sleep now but the tone of the “OK.. BYE.. GOODNIGHT….” on the other end prevents him better not to rely on those byes and goodnight wishes.

The story is not completed yet and it can not be but one thing is for sure, nothing is going to be same again. The freedom is gone and the incidents described above are going to be nastier and all the more eccentric. To introduce the lead characters, the boy here is me, Maheep and the girl is Neha and we got engaged 2 days back, that is on 18th March. I haven’t seen many of the good bits of this so far but the odd bits are already in place and I am hoping to deliver much more of them in coming posts :)

Cheers !!

PS - I hope she does not read it otherwise I am screwed !!

PPS - By any chance, if any of you can spare a room for me if she does read it :(

Not so rocking technology!!

2009-03-10T19:17:00.005+05:30

Every now and then I feel, what would have happened to us (read “me”, don’t know about others and who cares anyways) if the technology was not moving at the speed as it is. More precisely, when I try to imagine myself born 100 years back, I find it almost unattainable to digest. First of all no blogging so what could I possibly do to vent out my frustration, my dislikes to most of the walking and talking structures, my mental aggravation to cope with the world surrounding me and so on. Then no business, where I am in today so no bread (with jam of course).

All in all, I love technology and it really fascinates me, but some times it works other way around and the so called technocrats become a victim instead. And trust me the wounds you get are pretty bad.

To cut the long story short, when you use Gtalk, it allows you to sign in to two different machines at the same time, and every chat message appears on both of the systems in parallel. So few days back, I was using my dad’s laptop and signed in to Gtalk. Now the over smart fellow decided on its own that I want myself to be remembered there and took the necessary actions without making me realize the fact. I finished my work, signed off and easily forgot about it. Every thing was going as it should be, or at least looked like, till the day when I was talking to one of my friends from my office system. As it happens to all of us, I was in typical office mood like one can be after 8 hours of starting the day. The chat started quite innocently but pretty soon the sober looking white space became fairly colorful with various adjectives thrown in here and there, lots of 4 letter words used as prefix and suffix and so on. Again, I finished it off and forgot about it. Later that day, when I reached back to home, dad was like… Howcome your chats are appearing on my laptop from last couple of days? No.. shit! what chat??, was my reaction. Yeah, today as well when you were talking to “R”, it was all over my screen. I gasped for a breath while trying to find a suitable word but no such luck. Then as a sudden relief he announced that he had to go out at the very moment so he closed it at that time but I better fix it ASAP. I managed with “oh yeah.. will do it now..“

Later in night I was thinking, I am not that bad and dad must feel happy and lucky about it. This was just a chat between me and “R” but what could have happened to some one whose son was Casanova types.

Girl 1 – Hi Sexy

Dad – Excuse me!!

Girl 1 – Oh come on sweetiepie.. I am missing you soooo much.. ain't you missing me ?

Dad – See, I think you are mistak… even before completion, another window popping up

Girl 2 – Hey dude

Dad – dude? You mean dad

Girl 2 – Muaaaaah.. you are so sweet.. such a darling..

Another one in the mean time

Girl 3 - Why are you ignoring me these days cutiepie…

Dad – running for life…

Cheers !!

Video Time

2009-03-06T23:56:00.002+05:30

Traditionally, I am not a big fan of online video streaming thing as most of the times I find the whole buffering and playing exercise so tedious that just can’t wait and end up in closing the window in first 2 minutes itself. So in a world where Youtube and similar services are such a big bang among the tech savvy and not so tech savvy guys, I find myself standing some where on the thin line in between of these two types. I can’t just ignore them, coz they keep flowing in my mailbox and then every second link or website these days have such videos embedded there. At the same time I can never gather much endurance to go through the whole ordeal and watch the complete video. In last couple of days there were two videos which attracted me a lot. To rephrase myself, the first video was some thing which really fascinated me and the other one was a great attempt from one of my team members here in office and thus worth mentioning here.

To start with, Microsoft has released a video on how they envision this world in 2019. I wont say that I love Microsoft but I must admit when they decide to do some thing, they do it really big and in a delightful way, not to mention thoughtful too, very unlikely to their software and operating systems (no pun intended). So here Microsoft tries to see in future and two facts which I noticed especially in the video, the touch and voice based communication is going to rule and thus eliminating any need for additional mediums between user and the world. The second thing is that in the whole video they have emphasized on “Hindi” as the other language. I was surprised to see that instead of any other language from the world (Chinese, French or whatever) they chose Hindi, reasons still unknown to me.

The second video is some thing which one of my team members shot on the road. Our very own and beloved India TV has a service where viewers can shoot a video on some social issue and send it over to them. If it is worth mentioning they broadcast it on their website and reward the sender along with telecasting it. So Mitesh in our office shot a video and sent it to them and it got selected as best video for 4th March. He won a TV and DVD player and now seeking support from the viewers who can vote him and help making his video as best video for March. You can see his listing here

To vote him you can SMS “AV 04-03” on 5600600 from your cell phone. When he told me about it, I couldn’t help but asked how he shot this video. The instant reply was “I was going on flyover on my bike when I saw this and shot it with my mobile” My reaction was.. “wow, so some one carrying several milk cans on a bike is a social issue of great concern but how about some one shooting a video from mobile phone when driving a bike” I wish I could be there and shoot his video while doing it and probably I could win the best video award :)

Cheers!!

Lazy Sunday Morning, Atif and a Book…

2009-02-22T20:17:00.002+05:30

I really love Sundays. Not that it makes a huge difference in my adrift lifestyle but I guess some psychological notion works behind the feeling. However, there is a small problem… well, not actually small but with a huge brunt, and that is, my mum also shares the same feeling and eagerly waits for this very day while making several mental notes through out the week for the chores to be thrown in between me and my beautiful Sunday.

Today as well, I was about to be kicked out from my shelter if I didn’t clean it up, so with a heavy heart I abandoned the TV and reached to the messy corner, originally labeled as my room. While hustling and tussling with the piles of old papers, I found an old, almost torn book and as I opened it, it drifted me to the old days… memories, so deeply rooted in me that I can never forget them. Atif was playing “Meri Kahani” on the music system and I was like floating in the moments from my past, my surroundings, my whole life.

When mum n dad got married in 70’s, dad used to get 400 bucks as salary. Same with mum but still they did what I can’t even imagine this day. They made this house, brought us up with best of the facilities among all kids in our age group, saved for the life coming up and did whatever we can think of in a middle class family. When they built the home, immediately after the marriage, they were in such a debt that mum couldn’t even buy a new dress for next 2 years. Today, I earn more than that per hour but whenever me and my brother speak on phone, the favorite phrase about our present situation is “Hand to Mouth”. The value of money has changed for sure but more than that, its our mentality that has changed.

I still remember when I was around 9 years old, dad bought me a yellow ball and somehow I left that in open sun and wrecked it. I think the cost was 8 or 10 bucks but with such an embarrassment and fear (coz I thought I have made a big loss and probably it was, considering their salary of that time) I asked dad, if I can get a new one and instead of getting angry, he was like.. sure my son!! Today I can’t remember when I thought twice before spending 100 bucks, on an useless item but when I look at dad, he still tries to save 10 bucks where he can, for example carrying the water from home instead of buying a Bisleri. How I wish, I could have even 50% of his good practices in life.

When we were kids, Samurai Video Game was the most happening thing and I so wanted to have one for myself but I always knew I can’t, coz more than affordability it was about the needs. That was my wish, not need and I convinced myself that some day when I will earn, I will buy the best of the game station available in market. Needless to say, I can buy any damn gaming console today but I don’t. When I think about the reasons, I guess its coz I can easily buy it any given day and that is why it has lost its charm. As a human being only those things attract us which we can’t have. At that time, we had to wait even for the small things but after getting them it used to be such a feeling that I can’t express in words. Today, buying some thing no more makes a difference, probably coz I no more long for it.

When the first phone was installed in our home, I was in such euphoria for several days, while telling the number rather boasting to any person who came across my way. Today, I guess its more than 5 numbers alone in my name but then what?. My first mobile handset was a used Samsung R220 B&W and after buying, I didn’t sleep properly for several nights coz I used to dream about it all the time, trying to play with it whenever I could. Today we have around 30 handsets (thanks to my profession, where we need them for testing) and all of them are the dream phones, one can have, but I don’t think I even look at it again after buying.

My first (and last) girl friend and me used to talk about all this for hours. We didn’t have any money but what we had was far more important than that, and that was time and happiness. There were promises to buy her new jeans or a jacket or a watch when I will have some money. We used to roam around in market, highways (on my old Kinetic Scooter) while thinking about our future. Sit together on the floor of my room, just too happy by having each other itself, weaving small dreams about the life coming up. Whenever I could get some money, some of the promises used to be fulfilled but that was not very frequent. Needless to say, things are different now and not that perilous on financial front but what I don’t have now is time, happiness and above all… her.

I think this is some thing where I will never get short on words and keep on writing for the ages and pages but better hold myself, or plan a part 2 of the post. By now you must be wondering what that book was… It was my first bank pass book. I opened that account in my early teens and the transactions were ranging in 50 to 500 bucks but every transaction had a story associated with it. To say, that I miss those times will be an understatement but what I can say very confidently is, any given day I will be ready to exchange my present with that past.

Cheers!!

All in the name of work…

2009-02-18T20:03:00.004+05:30

I am not sure how many of you have attended a typical north Indian wedding (salt in the wound, if it’s a large family) but if you had, then you must have perceived that the biggest charm for uncles and aunties and other overactive senior citizens, to attend the wedding is to update their very own personal encyclopedia and who’s who database with latest happenings in the family. And then of course exchange notes to reconfirm the newest discoveries.

Some of the evergreen hot-shot topics for the discussions are –

- Why one’s son or daughter is not getting married and then with a remarkable combination of pain and worried expressions – tch, tch, (don’t know how to spell that sound, hope you get the idea) this is what happens if you don’t control the children in time, they don’t listen to you like this.

- Why ‘a’ and his wife is not thinking of a baby, its already been 2-3 years to their marriage.

- Why ‘b’ and his wife is not thinking about 2nd baby, its already been 2-3 years to the first one.

- What kind of jewellery, attire one is wearing and on the basis of that, how they are doing on financial front.

- Who is spending how much of time on cell phone and then how many affairs he/she is having

- Current employment status for one’s son/daughter and what are the latest figures in pay checks. Quite obviously, when they take this much pain whilst coming to this point, comparison among them is warranted and they have to discuss who is doing best among all.

Luckily I get an escape from most of the points as those are not applicable in my case but employment/work is some thing which I can’t avoid. Fly on the ointment comes in when its almost impossible to explain 60+ people, what exactly I do. Earlier, I used to make efforts to elucidate them but then I realized its kind of wrestling with pig in mud so now I nod in whatever they say. Hence different people have different ideas on my profession and still it is one of the biggest mysteries in our family.

A typical conversation is like

He- so what are you doing these days..

Me – umm, we develop software

He – and what does that mean?

He – without even waiting for me to reply oh, I got it, you know, the 4th son of my sister-in-law’s daughter-in-law’s uncle is also in the same profession. He does this accounting work for various shopkeepers.. you do the same thing na..

Me – with a broad smile… you got it..

Same thing happened in the recent wedding, I attended…

He – so what exactly do you do?

Me – we develop software for mobile phones

He – oh gotcha… you install those ring tones, wallpapers etc. in phones.

Me – mmm, actually more than that, suppose you need to have some software in your phone, we develop that.

He – puzzled.. fetches an ancient Nokia 3310, duly covered in lamination, from his pocket. Do you have some thing for this?

Me – oh, not for such advanced phones actually.. we work for simpler ones.. like Blackberries, Iphones etc.

He – err.. black.. what?

Me – never mind..

Then my savior came in picture and shooed the earlier one away with “leave the poor chap alone.. This is altogether new generation uncle, you wont understand this..”

Then focusing on me

He – you know how these old people are.. they won’t understand how fast time is moving.. this is some thing only we people can think of

Me – hmm

He – the other day I was telling some one about your business and how fast this industry is going with MMS etc.

Now it was my turn for puzzled expressions..

He - oh BTW, do you have some latest MMS which you can transfer to my phone. Some thing really hot..

Me – tearing my hair…

Cheers !!

You have got a visitor…

2009-01-28T22:47:00.004+05:30

There are times when I just sit and try to analyze myself. Lots of churning goes on at those times and in general, I have observed that I don’t like people. It might sound weird and creepy and you are free to imagine me as a rude, self-obsessed narcissist but that is how it is. Most of them irritate me to an extent where I feel like screaming and deem that world would be a far happier and livable place if it could get rid of some of the morons and some of the over intelligent (read smartass) people. Or at the least, almighty could do a balancing job by distributing some of the intelligence from these smartasses to their counterparts i.e. plain asses… Well, I am not sure if good god has any such plans in near future or not but as an alternative, (s)he (again, I am not sure if god is male or female…) keeps on sending some subjects to me, so that my belief stay intact. Today was the day, when god was in one of those nasty moods to test my patience and it started like –

11.00 AM – Came to office, haven’t even finished the first dose of coffee

R (one of my PMs) comes in – there are 2 guys who wanna meet you..

Me – For?

R – Not sure, I tried speaking to them but they insisted to see you.

Me – Hmm.. send them in

They come in, staring at the office… up and down, left and right..

I am silently praying its not an income or sales or service or whatever tax raid, you never know with those jerks nowdays

V – Nice office you have..

Me – fear getting stronger, Thanks!

V – Quite good for a computer repair business

Me – Excuse me

V – Huh… Nothing

Me – So how can I help you?

One of them gets the laptop from bag and places it on my desk

V – I wanna get some software installed in it, I have this list my kid gave to me (trying to find some thing in his pocket)

Me – Blink in astonishment (Now the pieces fall in place like why he said nice place for a computer repair shop)

V – How much would you charge for this?

Me – Sorry but we don’t do this, we develop software, that too for cell phones.

V – Huh, but I was told that I can contact you to get this done

Me – I am sorry, but this is not what we do here, thanks…

V – Still sitting

Me – THANKS

V – Are you sure…

Me – !@#*^& Yes I am

12.30 Noon

Peon – some one is there for you...

V – I am AK

Me – expecting him to say more but he remains silent…

Me – So…

V – I was told that you will be expecting me

Me – But I was not…

V – Excuse me

Me – Err… never mind

V – You are M (a name quite similar to mine)

Me – Sorry but I am M

V – oh…

Me - @#^%$&

4.00 PM – sorry but day is not finished yet :(

R once again, there are some visitors for you?

Me – Not again..

R – Smiles

Me - What are my options?

R – None! One of them says, he is your dad’s friend

Me – Hmm…

Comes in and speaks non stop for next 5 minutes about how good friends he and my dad are, though its altogether a different story that I have never seen or heard about him in my whole life.

gives me an old pamphlet, pale and torn as if Columbus discovered it in one of his voyages

Me – So?

V – Actually, this is a computer institute (again blah-blahs for next 2-3 minutes) and its about the franchisee of the same.

Me – Oh so you are planning to take franchisee of this.

V - Not exactly, I already have that but I think I am too old and misfit for this so I was thinking probably you can take it and give me 25%, you can keep rest of it and thus it would be a profitable business for both of us.. right?

Me – some silent curses and then goes another 5 minutes to explain him that I really am not interested

V – Disappointed, while leaving

Me – BTW, tell me one thing, if I would really want to do some thing like that, why will I give you 25%... I can go directly to these guys and have a franchise in my name.. no?

V – Stares back at me

Me – Gee.. Thanks

Me - Screaming at peon.. come what may but no more visitors for next 7 days.. tell them that I am dead…

Cheers!!

Short and sour!

2009-01-22T21:37:00.001+05:30

Obama’s swearing-in ceremony costs USD 170 Million… and they say its recession times hence economy is on low track and hence jobs have to be sliced off.. what a joke!!

If looks could kill…

2009-01-21T00:53:00.004+05:30

In the building where we have our office, there are just two companies on this floor. First one is ours and the other is HP Service Center. Now it’s a thumb rule that each and every day we will have to tell at least 4-5 people that NOOO, this is not HP Office and then which office is this, is none of their bloody business (coz that is the immediate next question – @!#!@%^&). Though the poor HP guys have spent a hell lot of money on signage for main door, parking, staircase, office door and where not (even their loo) but who cares.. too indolent to glance upwards and read the board.. eh... The next unwritten rule of thumb is that if I am on phone, I cant just sit and will be found shunting in the corridor and visitors will be like.. Boss.. HP Office??? Of course I am talking on phone but so what…its taken for granted that my primary role there is to tell people how to glance upwards and figure out that if the board is there, its not a bloody mistake, the door must be opening into HP Office only. It might be that my face has ‘Navigator’ written all over it but now days I have devised a new way to deal with such shit. So a typical conversation is like -

Me walking in corridor

Visitor while standing in front of HP – Boss… HP Office?

Me – Point a finger to the board

V – Smile with a “oh, how dumb of me” look on face

Me – "I know its dumb of you” look on face

V – is it closed?

Me – What do you see there?

V – "Puzzled look", Lock!

Me – Shrug – “There you are sweety” look on face

you might ask, how does that help and to be honest, it does not.. there are same number of dumbasses asking for it but the looks afterwards on their face is worth all the pain and efforts...

Cheers !

Auction… (On as and where available basis)

2009-01-12T23:40:00.001+05:30

First thing first, this is not ST who is writing this post, instead, it’s his dad who is in the pilot seat this time. Now, you guys read it on your own risk coz there might be so many things which will not be to your liking, plus this is going to be a long post coz I feel it would not be possible to clearly describe the terms of auction and highlights of the item to be auctioned in concise. Then, I am really a fair and transparent man and don’t want to hide some thing and keep the scope for blame game later on. Needless to say, think twice rather thrice before commenting, coz that will include you in the list of interested contenders.

You might ask, how did I manage to hack his blogger account, but that’s no brainer actually, coz I simply told him that otherwise I am gonna register a parallel blog and make sure that I write a post every day. You might also ask, how the hell did I come up with this idea but that is also a no brainer, coz it is the best place to post this kind of advert as that is where I have the brightest possibility of finding an equally moronic, bird brained blockhead (like ST) who will be interested in this type of auction. (If you do not agree to this point, ask any sensible person that why do people blog and I am sure he/she won’t be able to answer that). Also, If you are single, you need to make sure that your parents do not get a slightest idea of this and if you are already married and parent of a PITA (click on link if you don’t know what I am talking about), then you might use an idea or two from here.

To start with, let us get into a little background. There is an old song, Aadmi jo kahta hai, aadmi jo karta hai, zindagi bhar vo sadaye peecha karti hai (whatever we say and do, follows us for the whole life) and to be honest, some times I feel that the song was written with me in the mind of the lyricist. Or probably he made the same mistake which I did. No prize for guessing what mistake I am talking about. Around 30 years back, I made this blunder and the end result is here... Still following me no matter how and what I try to flee off. That is why, after much consideration and thought processing, I am taking this initiative to arrange an auction.

The terms are quite different from regular auctions, as here the lowest bidder with the least counter terms will be the winner. Shipping charges will be incurred by us (with pleasure), maintenance charges for first 3 months will be paid by us in terms of not exceeding to “xx” INR, payable in advance and lump sum as per mutual agreement. There is no such list as claim or warranty terms as that is ABSOLUTELY not available.

1) The item here is a 30 something creature from the male species of the human races. However, he firmly believes, age is just a number and that has nothing to do with sharing the responsibilities, making sensible decisions or talks, do the things which human beings usually do (like marriage, kids, being social in relations and society etc. to name a few).

2) When it comes to the tasks like cleaning up his own room, participate in family matters and sharing the household responsibilities like going to market for grocery or other shopping, his opinion about certain decisions etc., you can expect as much share as from a 3 year old.

3) Though the creature mentioned here is working currently but has a strong longing towards retirement as soon as a suitable caretaker is found. The term suitable means, one who can pay his car installment (not to mention, these will keep on changing as soon as he gets bored of current one which happens whenever a new model appears in market), fuel cost, shopping bills, three annual vacations (lavish) etc. The detailed list can be checked in annexure –I here or obtained on request.

4) He has a brother, though duly settled in his life with wife and kid but shares same feelings about the retirement and caretaker can thus expect 3 new add-ons to the original item auctioned any fine morning.

5) Shopping to him means, buying a shirt or trouser with same shade of green or red or black or any color for that matter for 999th time, get his hands on latest gadgets and any other thing which has a circuit or gear in it.

6) He firmly believes in the brand values and thus only branded clothes, shoes, shades, music system, phones etc. will do for him. However, when it comes for the shopping for other person (not to be done by him of course), he has a very liberal attitude as he also believes in Shakespeare (“Whats in name”) and obviously when the label /tag of the brand is usually found inside of attire, not visible to others, why to pay extra bucks from your hard earned money (your = caretaker, see he is such a caring sweetheart) for a damn label.

7) Watching TV means, putting it on mute while changing channels in every millisecond, and the music system playing the current favorite in full blast. During all this time, the creature will actually be reading a newspaper or book.

8) Listening to music means what is his favorite, which keeps on changing as you blink the eyes, in repeat mode for n number of times (no number can do justice here so let us stick to ‘n’). He is still searching for the music system (BOSE is preferred) which can play just the particular piece of a song in repeat mode.

9) If you hear hysterical sounds at 2 AM in night like some one is laughing while rolling on floor, there is nothing to worry about as the creature will be actually watching re-run of FRIENDS for 555th time or watching Jab We Met for 555555th time.

10) Expecting him to cook will strictly mean to boiling water, make coffee and in worst case, prepare Maggi. Nevertheless, cleaning up the mess in kitchen then after will not be included in cooking.

11) A battery operated automatic stapler with 5 or more gears (even god almighty will have a hard time in finding out the role of those gears) or a Bluetooth toy car operated by mobile phone (didn’t I say about the belief that age is just a number and then as we all know men are the same like kids – only older - and usually prefer more expensive toys) are the gifts which you can expect from him as your birthday present and it should be adequate enough without any nagging. In case when he doesn’t really need any such thing, best wishes alone should suffice.

12) Telling him to shave even once in a month is as big offence as asking Elizabeth Taylor, why she divorced his eighth husband? So you dare not bring up this subject and its suggested to develop a liking towards shaggy beards.

13) Sleeping at 3 and waking up at 10 is absolutely perfect timings and these can be stretched for 2-3 hours in special occasions like weekends, holidays and may be as per his mood (not more than 4-5 times a week). However, he is very particular about the diets, especially the breakfast (as that is the most important meal of the day) and expects it to be ready as soon as he is out of bed. Preference will be given to the caretaker who can derive some way to open up his mouth without disturbing the sleep and slip the breakfast in without him stirring up.

14) Its advisable to get the food list approved for 1 week in advance, as he is very particular about it.

Those are the core highlights of the item to be auctioned and you can express your interest by commenting to this post and we will immediately arrange the shipping within next 24 hours of signing the papers. As mentioned item will be auctioned on “as and where available” basis and can be inspected 24x7 hours for 365 days. The auction will be on first come first serve basis and the detailed list of features and terms can be obtained on request.

Happy bidding !!

Deadly embrace of relationships – Part 2

2009-01-06T20:23:00.000+05:30

Imagine this – A and B are very good friends but A does not get along very well with C. Now whenever B speaks or laughs or shares some thing with C, it makes A depressed and hurt. According to her, if A does not like C, even B should cut off with her. Not only that, A does not even want to reveal this to B. To her, it should be an obvious reaction for the sake of their friendship. Apparently they end up with a bitter relationship and according to A it was all due to B, who was so uncaring and inconsiderate that she couldn’t understand her true feelings and continued a relationship with someone who was not her favorite.

Now, a more complex example (different from the above) – A and B are cousins and share very similar mindset and a pretty good friendship, which has nothing to do with their blood relation. However, there parents do not go along very well, coz B’s parents do not have a good impression of A’s parents and hence A, or vice versa. Despite this reluctance, B does not care about it and continues to be friends with A. Now B is going to be married and expects A to join little early to be with him for the most important occasion of his life. On the contrary, A’s parents are not very enthusiastic about it coz according to them, it is B’s parents who are supposed to invite them properly and ask for it. As per their opinion, why should A go when B’s parents don’t really like it! Quite conveniently they forget that it was same for B but he always made best of the efforts to keep the relation alive and pleasant. A is stuck between his parents and B but can not do any thing coz he does not want to upset either of them. The false egos of the parents ruin a relationship which was far above than all these immaterial issues.

Sounds familiar? I guess yes… We face similar situations in life all the time and end up in loosing a precious relation which was worth all these fake attitude related problems, but we hardly learn a lesson and repeat this over again. When we love some one, why do we want him/her to create a sphere around and do only those things which are good to our liking? Why don’t we realize that we should not force some one to act as we please, just because we are friends!

Friendship or any other relationship for that matter is supposed to be shared by two individuals but then why do parents or other members in our surroundings, expect those individuals to be nice with them as well. If I share a good relationship with someone, why that ‘someone’ is supposed to have an equally nice relationship with rest of my family? No two persons are same, then how can we expect two families to be similar. While actually it was supposed to be a relation between two individuals, it is expected to be a relation between two families. When 2 individuals were supposed to deal with only their egos and attitudes, now it’s the ego of 10 persons (thanks to the families) which is required to be dealt with. Why every relation has to have some strings attached to it? In today’s world when we are already so stressed and striving for some good relations and friends in our surroundings, why do we make them so complex and end up in impairing the relations for the sake of others who are actually supposed to be totally irrelevant in it.

Alas, I don’t have any answers for all these questions but needless to say, I am damn so frustrated... I don’t even know if you will be able to relate to the characters or make sense of it while reading but cant help it… coz that is how I feel... frustrated!

Kids… when they were actually kids!

2008-12-30T22:24:00.002+05:30

Few days back, I was at one of my known’s place when his 14 years old was sounding quite depressed and dull. Knowing him, it was a bit unusual, so I tried to dig him, and guess what I came to know... The Einstein could score ONLY 2nd rank in the unit test for some IIT coaching. Gee, are you nuts, I asked him, its just a unit test and further more, you are just 14! IIT?? He gazed back at me as if I have challenged his virginity. Almost similar expressions were shared by his mommy dearest, and then followed a long lecture on how important it is to start preparing now, and how sincere the child is, while spending 15-16 hours a day in the studies. Uhhh.. From what I can remember about my childhood, when I was 14, the biggest concern in my life was to somehow get my hands on the new BSA-SLR bicycle of one of my class mate and then convince my dad that my present ride is good for nothing and how unkind, unfair and lots of other words starting with “un” it will be if I dint get a new one.

Further more, even by standard 11th or 12th, if somebody used to ask me, so what are you gonna be when you grow up, I was like uhmmm.. and then stare at mum with a look on face that said “what do I say.. what kind of question is this..“ but today.. you ask a 10 years old and he/she will shoot back with the career/profession which half of the average Indians have never heard of.. How very contemplative and forward thinking, but ain’t it a bit unfair with the kids? Parents try to fulfill their dreams, desires and wishes in their children and somehow end up in forcing the child to be some one which he/she is actually not. The childhood which is supposed to be most innocent, stress-free and simply the best time of a persons’ life, gets lost somewhere in the unfulfilled cravings of the parents.

Then, there is my 2 years old niece. Getting her ready after bath or when going out is as herculean task as making Pakistan admit that they are behind the terrorist attacks in India. Kiddo will simply sit on bed while her mom will show all dresses and then ma’am will choose what color and what type of dress she is going to wear that day. Sweet as it might sound but its not, ask her mom when going out, while they are all dressed up for a party but the kid is dressed up in an old and strained sweater coz that is her current favorite at that time. If you ask me, I used to be all happy in a diaper with a loose home made vest. And colors, not even heard of them at that time.. o boy.. time is surely changing!

Cheers!

Encounter, plain and simple. err.. kind of..

2008-12-20T22:02:00.005+05:30

Disclaimer - When reading this post, if you find the dialogs from one of the lead characters familiar, its purely a coincidence and its definitely not you. You have the option to close the window right away or believe me on it, that ITS NOT YOU :)

Now, this is no more a secret that I am the next prey for the hunt called marriage in ‘Great Gupta Circus’. Hence the most integral part of my life these days is encounters. Though this is the popular term how gang calls it but ‘interview’ looks more appropriate to me coz that is how I feel, appearing for the post of husband. Nevertheless, one way or another, I am inclined to believe that I am one of the worst candidates, which can come across in the life of an interviewer (the girl in this case).

So, living on to the true spirits of an unemployed soul’s worried parents, they keep fixing me for these interviews and on popular demand, I am up with the transcript from one of these interviews. I leave it to you guys to decide, if there are any chances for me getting selected or I (read ‘my folks’) should stop trying.

This particular interviewer was from the capital with a master’s degree in management and hence they found it a pretty good prospect and a telephonic appointment was fixed.

After initial introduction

She – so howz weather there.
Me – its quite hot. Rajasthan is basically a desert area, especially these days when its summer, its really hot.. say 43-45 degrees.
She – oh, that must be very difficult then.
Me – well, not exactly, you get used to of it.. so..
She – oh yeah, but you must have got AC in your office.
Me – hmm, yeah
She – and you got AC in your home as well?

I thought she was going to marry me, but looks like she is more interested in an AC as a prospective groom

Me – hmm (thinking, what is coming next)
She – not disappointing me for a fraction of moment, and you must have got an AC car..

wondering… we are speaking for the first time and all she wants to know is if I am well insulated with ACs or not

Me – yeah, got an AC car as well… (in the most polite tone, I could manage)
She – okay, but then the hot weather doesn’t really matter. (oh... so that was the point). BTW which car do you have in your family?

How precise, she definitely does not believe in wasting time

Me – well, we got two SX4s and a Zen here (I was so tempted to tell her the actual cost, insurance expense, registration number, loan details etc., but somehow suppressed the urge)
She – wow!! so you drive a SX4, then I will marry you…
Me – excuse me
She – giggling, nah, nothing, just kidding.
Me – thought so…
She – if this place is a big city, or a town kind of thing
Me – not exactly a metro but not a town as well
She – so you get clothes there…

by this time, I was ready to slam my head in the wall as that really looked like a less damaging option, but the gentleman hidden somewhere deep inside restrained me. But unfortunately, it couldn’t convince me to avoid the scorn

Me – clothes!!! What is that? You know, we have got plenty of those date tress here and thus its no problem… we just use the large leaves from the tree as a wrap on and that does the trick.
She – giggling again, oh, you are pulling my leg. I just meant, if you have got those malls and shopping centers there.
Me - in the most innocent tone possible at that time, oh, that ways… yeah we got that..
She – okay.. so is it all desert?
Me – not exactly, but yes, if you go to outskirts, you see these sand dunes and large areas covered with nothing but sand.
She – then it must be difficult with water and all, how do you guys manage?

Good lord!!! Please help me, this is not happening to me… Please..

Me – you don’t watch movies? We have this well around 1 KM from the home, so in the morning, we just go there with buckets in hands and get water for our daily use. (Trying to find the other phone)
She – Hey.. you started again.. why do you keep pulling my leg.
Me – what are you talking about! How can I do that.. (Dialed my desk phone from the other phone)
Me – Hey, hang on a sec., got a call on other phone, shall we speak again in a while?
She – yeah, sure…
Me – slam

Next morning on breakfast table, not knowing that dad has already spoken to them after this incident

Dad – so did you speak to her…
Me - eyes firm in to breakfast plate, hmm
Dad – so how was it
Me - eyes still in the dish as if it will run away from the table, if I stopped staring, it was okay, she is kind of strange.
Dad – loosing the temper, what is it with your cocky attitude… is there any girl which will fit in your so called criteria?
Me – silent…
Dad – so what exactly do you want?
Me – silent…
Dad – okay, fine.. do whatever you want to.. left the table
Me – left for office

Cheers!

Made for each other!

2008-12-15T16:33:00.008+05:30

It is quite an old story and I have heard it numerous times, but somehow it always held me spellbound and fascinated. Looks like a fairy tale at times and an old romantic classic at others.

I don’t think, I will be able to do justice when narrating it, but would still like to give it a try.

It all started in early 70’s. H was a typical Punjabi gal. Delicate, fair, very sweet 22 years old, freshly out of college with simple and innocent dreams in equally innocent eyes. Dreams to support the family, do some thing respectable out of her education and of course get settled in life with a loving husband and kids. At those times, education of girls was not a common phenomenon, especially in the smaller cities, let alone the jobs. However, parents allowed her to join a job till things get finalized, not having a slightest glimpse of what future has stored for them. H started in a school as an English teacher and there met M.

Speaking of M, he was just the opposite pole on the planet, belonged to a bania (agarwal) family, serving in the same school as a political science teacher. 6 feet tall, dark, handsome in his own ways, and of course quite popular amongst the other female staff members of the school. H was duly warned on the very first day by some concerned fellows (probably the broken hearts) to stay as far as possible.

H saw M, decided, she can’t stand him for a second, and chose to dwell on different path. But… cupid plays funny games, and as expected had some other plans this time as well. Being in same school, same shifts, meetings were inevitable. They met again, gradually started liking each other and thoughts of staying together started coming in. But it was not as simple as it so sounds… we are speaking about 70s when a love marriage that too inter cast, was considered as one of the most disgraceful act in the family and society. It was an equally reluctant situation with both of the families but they kept firm on the decision and the parents had to surrender. H’s family was traditional “sardar” so her dad asked M to grow a beard for the marriage so that he at least look like a sardar boy.

For H, it was not easy to get adjusted in altogether different circumstances, new atmosphere and a large family as opposed to her fun loving Punjabi background , but together they faced every situation, good or bad, simple or complicated. Changed the mind set of other family members who were always unenthusiastic to the alliance, made this small house with whatever they had, sacrificed on so many incidents but planned best of best for their children and above all, lived the dreams together.

Today… I feel blessed to have them as my parents and would like to thank god for being kind enough on me. This December they celebrated their 34th marriage anniversary and whenever I think of them, it makes me believe, that there is true love some where. It is not always in romantic novels but its in our every day life. They are so different on so many things, like mum is a movie buff and dad goes to theater only for an uninterrupted sleep. Mum likes to have fun, travel around and dad is kind of serious guy but they definitely beat the odds together…

God bless them !

Insanity.. at its extreme!!

2008-12-13T01:08:00.003+05:30

Some one remotely known to me calls up…

He - Hey.. this is 'Z’, remember we met at this place with Mr. ‘X's reference.

Me – Ohk.. Please tell me how can I help you.

He – Actually I need some assistance, so I was wondering if you could please spare some time tomorrow or may be one of your guys.. I am stuck with this software problem and need your help to fix the code.

Me - oh sure but its quite a hectic schedule these days as we have a deadline. Can we make it some time next week.. you know.. if you don’t have any problems

He - Well, it is a problem for me.. so let us do it tomorrow. I know it would be like wasting up your time but I think I have that much right on you.

Me – stumped! Jeez.. I don’t even know the chap and he has got some hold on me to be confident enough that his problem is worth messing up a deadline. Wow!!

2) A customer calls up

He - I have some issues with this system, so could you please have some one look at it and fix the things.

Me - Umm, how about Monday (3 days from now)

He - No, its top priority, I needed it like yesterday

Me - I understand but Monday is the best I can do

He - I insist.. I need it tomorrow

Me – Okay.. let me see what I can do

As obviously, it can not get done tomorrow coz we are not in a position to do it..

On Monday after the issue is fixed, calls me again

He - You know what the problem with you guys is…

Me - Well, not sure, what happened..

He - If you don’t have resources to do it in time, then you should have told me clearly.. that okay, this will be done on xyz date. We just keep on waiting and it is not fair.. no?

Me – stumped!! dint I mention that in the first place.

3) A friend’s friend calls up.

He – Hey M.. I need a favor. This guy (some one known to him) is an engineering student so could you please arrange a summer training for him in your office.

Me – We don’t usually do this trainee thing, so its quite difficult man.

He – Please, if you could manage it…

Me – okay, have him speak to ‘X’ (my PM)

He – Well, I was thinking if you could speak to him.. he is a bright kid so may be you can guide him.

Me – Hmm.. okay..

The bright kid calls up

after the initial introduction

He – so you have this company for this software thingy

Me (annoyed with the tone) – Yes

He – you know, you guys should really make a policy for these trainings. They can help you with lots of things and its no harm after all.. You will get some stuff done for free.

Me – stumped!! Look at the guts man.. and I thought, I was doing a favor to him..

Cheers!

I wanna…

2008-12-06T17:29:00.003+05:30

As the New Year is approaching, it’s the resolution time again... Ever since I can remember, I take some time to make certain resolutions every year and then break them in the very first hour itself, but okay that is what resolutions, rules and conventions are meant for... no? Indians after all, so its actually in our genes.

Okay, so this is not exactly a list of resolutions, but its more of a wish list, like what I want to do, how I want to change myself… from a better to worse person… I am kind of narcissist some times, so I know it can’t be better than what I am right now, and thus it has to be the other way around.

- First of all, I really need to change my routine. If there is actually some thing like a biological clock in our bodies, mine must has been exploded long back… and you can’t actually blame it, what else do you expect, when you sleep at 4 in morning, wake up at 9, lunch at 3 and dinner at 12 in night.. I definitely need to get myself back to humanly courses man!

- Then there is the biggest problem in my life. I am sick of being nice all the time (okay, not that nice, but good enough). There are times when you really get pissed off with certain things but just for the sake of being nice you don’t react, and on top of that, the other people start taking advantages of this.. so I really wanna say “fuck off” when I feel like it.. and trust me it happens quite a lot these days. God knows why the world is full of insane people, or its just that they come across in my life so often!

- Next is another equally big crisis… the whole family is on a mission to get me married by any means! And when I say “any”, I mean it, be it by hook or by crook. Dad is like, either you get settled, or leave my home, mum is busy looking for prospective bahus (daughter in laws) and all other budha log (old chaps) have made this kind of national issue. On the other end, poor little me feels like running away to a remote island at times. In the safe zone where I can live with a little peace without the constant nagging and regular morning chants about it. I know I can’t do it but I really wish I could :(

- This one is a little contradictory to the previous one, but at times I feel that how good it would be to have that some one special in life, a partner in crime kind of mate, with whom I could share my joys, confess all my guilt, go for a long walk in cold and dark nights while holding the hands together, dance crazily while shaking my legs and head wildly till I fall down for the last breath… but then the reality stings back hard and it looks like straight from an old Hollywood classic.. so I roll back to my previous wish.

- Finally, there is a very small and trivial kind of itch and that is, I wanna learn to play Guitar. Don’t know why, but I was always fascinated about it, and for this one, I tried as well… but again, if only I could keep a routine in my life, it would have been a lot more simple. But okay, I am sure, am gonna do it in coming year, so get ready for a Rock on concert coming to your city guys!

Cheers!

I vote nobody!!

2008-12-02T12:32:00.004+05:30

Found this interesting info. on web. Worth reading and trying I guess..

49-O in Constitution of India - "I VOTE NOBODY"...

Did you know that there is a system in our constitution, as per the 1969 act, in section " 49-O" that a person can go to the polling booth,

Confirm his identity, get his finger marked and convey the presiding election officer that he doesn't want to vote anyone!

Yes such a feature is available, but obviously these leaders have never disclosed it.

This is called "49-O".

Why should you go and say " I VOTE NOBODY"... because, in a ward, if a candidate wins, say by 123 votes, and that particular ward has received "49-O" votes more than 123, then that polling will be cancelled and will have to be re-polled. Not only that, but the candidature of the contestants will be removed and they cannot contest the re-polling, since people had already expressed their decision on them.

This would bring fear into parties and hence look for genuine candidates for their parties for election. This would change the way; of our whole political system.... it is seemingly surprising why the election commission has not revealed such a feature to the public.... obviously they are working under instruction as there would definitely be scarcity of good candidates for all well known parties who are admissible by public as OK.

Seems to be a wonderful weapon against corrupt parties in India ... show your power, expressing your desire not to vote for anybody, is even more powerful than voting... so don't miss your chance. So either vote, or vote not to vote (vote 49-O) and pass this info on...

Use your voting right for a better INDIA.

cheers!

It happens only in India!

2008-11-29T19:13:00.003+05:30

- We buy a new car and then keep the plastic wrappings on seats, red ribbon on hood and some times even the paper mats under the carpets intact for several months… just to keep the feeling and of course showing off that its a new car!

- Any smartass will grow a beard, wrap himself in saffron cloth (with potbelly hanging out) and start preaching on stage or a TV channel about any damn thing from yoga to religion to moral values to traditions and culture. We the people start following him staunchly and then one fine morning we come to know that the so called guru jee is involved in a sexual harassment case or with a terrorist group in backyard of their hermitage.

- A crazy driver does a hit and run accident and people come up on road while putting buses, building and other public properties on fire. Government will do nothing to find the guilty, but create an additional speed breaker (no matter it is a highway) at the place of accident and get rid of its responsibility.

- A scam or scandal for thousand millions (of course the hard earned money of the tax payers) or a dreadful gang rape or a horrendous murder happens and every news channel go crazy with their breaking news for few days, then a new scam appears and every body forgets about the previous one like it never ever happened. Can you remember what was the verdict with “Harshad Mehta”, “Amarmani Tripathi”, “Telgi” and so on.

- Political parties choose a veteran movie star as election candidate instead of a devoted worker, who has spent years of his/her life in the party while doing some thing worth for the region. On top of that, the star will win with a historical difference from the nearest opponent and then go back to the show business while never coming back to the region where he/she was elected. Lively example – “Dharmendra” won from district Bikaner (Rajasthan) and then never came back for next 5 years coz he was too busy with scantily clad “Mallika Sherawat” sitting in his lap (This is not fictional, it was an actual statement by latter during the shooting of a ‘B’ grade movie.

- And last but not the least, we spend millions of dollars (not INR but dollars actually) in the name of armed forces, security bureaus and law enforcement agencies but 10 eunuchs come in with tons of ammunition and no one even notices them. They attack on the most sensitive and important places of country (even parliament) and kill hundreds of innocent people. During all this time, our leaders inhabit themselves in the safe zone of ‘Z’ grade security, only coming out to declare a compensation money to victims, give canned statements on how it would not be tolerated and of course making provisions to increase the security for themselves!!

Mera Bharat Mahaan indeed...

Cheers!

Ah.. the sheer pleasure of doing nothing!!

2008-11-15T21:29:00.001+05:30

Though I, in fact all of us, love to imagine ourselves as very organized, hardworking and no time waster kind of persons but no matter what, there are times when we really feel like doing nothing. You know when the brain cells (or germs) are so stressed or lethargic or just too apathetic that they start dancing on a threatening tune. Now the problem is, we can do that for a while (in my case, the record is half an hour) but after that we can not really sit idle. The mind wants to be idle but rest of the body does not actually want to cooperate.

To deal with such critical situation, it was required to derive some really neat and innovative techniques (at times, I also imagine myself as a very good planner, thanks to the company of my brother), so after carefully working on several hypothetical notions, I have come up with this sophisticated white paper (sounds classy?) on killing time. All of these techniques are proven and tested (courtesy me and my brother), however, you are suggested to try them on your own risk and make sure you have read the last section (Side Effects) of this post. So here it goes… have a happy time killing session :)

1) Chat with a Tele Caller while making him/her believe that you are really interested in product and in between bring up dumb questions like “so you mean I will be able to withdraw cash from my credit card with any ATM” or may be “oh really!! So you will also be delivering hardcopy of a statement apart from e-bill, you know I am really bad with this computer thingy”. The key here is to keep your expressions and tone full of innocence and/or enthusiasm.

2) Play an imaginary instrument with your lips and fingers, making ablub, bub, blub noises.

3) If you have the luxury of a couch or sofa in your cabin, you can sit there while specs adjusted on an angle when your eyes are not easily visible, keep an open book or magazine or office document in your lap and take a quick (depends on how much time you have or how far can you go without being caught) nap

4) If your laptop or desktop has a webcam, switch that on, check out your face for best expressions (for meetings when you try to look serious, for dating when you try to look intelligent and witty at same time, when smiling and so on) you can also try different sitting positions like legs crossed, different positions of your hands on your face and so on.

5) If you are in office or a place which is suitably crowded. Try to look around and start staring people. In offices, this has been proved as a very efficient trick coz most of the people around will think as if you are so occupied and involved in a thought process. Some of them might try to stare back at you but don’t loose momentum and keep on staring and they will break it in no time... For better effects, make a pile of papers on your desk, keep several windows opened on your desktop and while staring, try to play with a pen or pencil in your fingers or mouth…

6) Close your eyes and try to feel the things around, imagine how it would be for blinds and how good is your sensing abilities (with touches). This one has a positive side as well, when working in dark or really difficult corners where you can’t actually see the things, you can rely on your fingers. It proved very helpful in my previous office when trying to plug in cables in my computer which was located in a place, only an interior decorator/architect can think of.

7) If you are in home.. try to relax on bed, roll over, crack your ankles while making strange noises like ohhoo.. ho ho ho.. ahh god.. and please, don’t start racing your minds in the dirty directions. I didn’t have had any such intentions. If its night, try to stare at sky and draw imaginary shapes from clouds and/or stars. There is a fair chance that you will see a falling star (if you believe in that theory) or if you are luckier then probably a UFO hidden some where in clouds and aliens starting at you (come on they might also feel the urge to do nothing)

8) Write an email to president or PM office or even your MD while stating problems and of course solutions to the poor state of facilities, employment issues, your PF a/c statement mismatch, salary policies or an damn thing under this sky. Make sure that you DON’T post it otherwise you won’t even need to read the side effects section of this post.

9) Invite your friend on a messenger with whiteboard access for a Tic Tac Toe game. Skype and Yahoo has got pretty good add-ons for the same. (Tried and proven approach you see ;)

10) Read this blog, post comments, refresh on every 5 minutes to check updates, repeat step 1

Side effects/Warnings

1) If you boss is also reading this page, there are fairly good chances of your getting fired.

2) If your wifey or GF knows that you have this much time to kill, you are very likely candidate to accompany her on next shopping spree.

3) You might start finding these activities so interesting that you will intentionally try to find time to waste.

So guys, I seriously hope this post has successfully wasted 5-7 minutes of your time and probably suggested few more ways to cleverly invest rest of the same. Feel free to add more ways oh sorry techniques and keep posting in comments!!

Cheers !!

P.S. – only tried and proven techniques will be accepted here ;)

Why o why!

2008-11-12T21:03:00.003+05:30

This is going to be one of the shortest posts I have ever read or written, and probably does not even deserve creating a separate post (but okay, who cares.. its my blog, right!)

Back to the story… From last couple of days, I am almost bed ridden and thus nothing productive to do, apart from devising some really ridiculous plans (like inventing a motor driven embedded system which can be plugged in to USB port and LCD of your laptop and then scrolling the mouse wheel will allow the user to flip up and down the LCD), coughing like a 90 year old who has smoked like a chimney for the whole life and cursing few of the really insignificant (at least looks like that) entities created by almighty.

All this started as an innocent looking cold which soon became a cannibal while eating up all of my energy. On top of that, every body was like, its just a cold and runny nose, why the hell are you stick to bed. Huh.. If only I could exchange half of my runny nose with them…

To justify the title of post, my question is, why this damn cold and cough was created in first place. If it was supposed to be JUST cold, then it should have some decent effects on poor human beings like me, and if it was supposed to be this horrible, then god should have put in some more sympathy in to the other persons’ hearts :(

The next question is, what is the significance of mosquitoes on this earth? When in school times, the old bio teacher used to tell us that every creature on this planet has some important role to play and one way or another they are doing it without even our knowing. But still, why mosquitoes? What role they have to play here. Mr. Darwin, are you listening? I want my answer now otherwise I am gonna put a counter theory on “origin of species”. Told you, I have nothing better and productive to do these days…

Cheers !

P.S. - Oh, did I say, it was supposed to be a short post?

Me, T and the so called vacation…

2008-11-06T20:02:00.001+05:30

Date – 07th Oct. 2008 (Evening, India Time)
Place – My Office

- I am about to leave from office for an out station trip… enabled the auto responder on email and signed off.

Date – 07th Oct. 2008 (Early Morning, Eastern Time)
Place – Far away, some where in USA

- T leaves the bed, though still half asleep and red bull banging in head. Bound and forced with the routine, some Spiritual (read Satanic) super power brings him to the PC and first thing is to write an email about the updates on project, some new requests, some new conclusions from brainstorming last night and what not.

- Auto responder comes in action and throws away a canned response immediately.

- T rubs the eyes in disbelief and reads it again… mutters some silent curses and replies “What the hell, how can you go like it.. you can’t go for a bloody vacation at this time”

- Auto responder is still prompt and vigorous and catches the mail in between to throw away another canned response.

- Some more curses, audible this time… some abuses.. tries to find his cell phone and composes a text message, as politely as possible.

- No response. More abuses, loud enough to wake up the chick in bed [sorry T ;)]

- Sends again

- I read the message and scratch my head. Can’t think of any thing which will cool him down. I knew this was going to happen but still… I couldn’t avoid this trip so.. I call names to the inventors of the cell phones, email and the revolution which has made it impossible to live in this world without all these tiny boxes.

- More threats from T, more excuses from my side and this goes on and on for next 4-5 days.

Now, I know most of us are very familiar with above scene but two things come up in my mind.

First is, I feel that I am quite an important person on this earth, not just another insignificant walking talking structure of bones and flesh. Argh… I know its not true but the second one is very true and worth a thought, and that is, if we were happier when we didn’t have these gizmos in our pockets, with access to email, internet and all that crap, or we are happy today with such an easy and quick access to each and every information (wanted or unwanted). There are pros and cons of every thing but ain’t it going over our heads now? We can’t go for a vacation in peace, can’t spend some private moments with family and can’t even concentrate on our work because there is always a high priority email waiting for our immediate attention.

There can be an argument, that I should not have gone for a trip when the project was in such a state (mind it that I am not using the word “vacation” coz it was not) but then what, even if I would have skipped it for 1 week, it would have been some other client, some other urgent matters and some other project…

Remember the times when we could go for a vacation without even knowing and hence not worrying about the offices. When we used to come at home at 6 PM and then the next connection to work was next morning. I really miss those times.. do you ?

Cheers !

P.S. – T, I know you are going to read it and scream at me but I am prepared and all ears :)

An alien thing named “Civic Sense”

2008-09-21T21:33:00.001+05:30

1) When your pet dogs bark frantically (which probably sounds like music to your ears), instead of letting them in, you leave them outside of your house so that the neighbors and others can also share the feeling and get crazy.
2) When walking, you spit out the chewing gum any where on the road, so that it can go and blend with the shoes of others and they can curse you in full sprit.
3) When driving, you change lanes as per your convenience, or your mood or may be the direction of sun. No matter others are showing you fingers and brakes of other vehicles are screaming.
4) You keep on honking on road, even though it is just impossible for the driver ahead to give side. (yeah yeah… you have just come out of the pilot’s school and you are used to of flying an aircraft where the side problem is not that significant so far)
5) After sipping your tea or coffee on railway station, you toss the cups on the rail track (this one is especially for mera bharat mahaan (we the Indians)

If you have nodded and smiled in consent for 2 or more points in above list, then welcome, please come on board to the ICNCS. Yep, I have just formed this informal association for International Community of No Civic Sense. Unfortunately I could qualify for only one of the points above but I am sure there will be others who can meet the criteria and we will get benefited with their vast expertise in the field.

Hah.. jokes apart but I am really not sure why we find it so difficult to behave like a civilian these days. One way or other, our behaviors are getting changed to ancient times like a caveman. We see educated and intelligent people behave like a 5 years old brat who does not realize that his innocent (so called) actions might be a torture for others.

Few days back, one of my friends was driving on road and the guy ahead spitted out the betel from his mouth. Though here in India, its quite a common scene, but my friend somehow couldn’t resist and tried to stop him and asked, what the hell he was doing. The other guy glanced at him from top to bottom like he (my friend) is the biggest moron on this earth and muttered “So… what do you want… swallow this shit and die here” My friend was like astonished with the guiltless explanation when the other guy coolly cleared his throat (spitting out the remainings) and moved ahead.

This is just one incident but actually there are countless sagas of this kind of warriors and I think ICNCS is going to be a huge and smashing hit. All of you guys are requested to join the club ASAP and I am confident that we will beat the communities like facebook and myspace in no time…

Cheers!

The eternal truth!

2008-09-12T14:51:00.000+05:30

Well, what else… the life and the death. Every body have seen or going to see those difficult times when some one very close leaves us for ever. Surely its some thing which is going to happen with all of us, but what surprises me most is how we react these days on such occasions. So indifferent, so unconcerned, like just another page 3 gossip in the morning paper, a cup of tea, or a phone call from credit card marketing agency. You can see people giggling at these places even before the cremation. Some schmucks will be found with their cell phones ringing at full volume or probably speaking loud on phone at funeral homes. Come on, whatever happened to civility! If you are so busy that world will stop moving without you and your cell phone then please do us a favor, stay away and don’t bother to appear.

And what do we say to others, when even the relatives and so called friends behave in such a bitchy and bizarre way. I remember few days back when my uncle passed away and one of the daughters in law (in relation) was overheard saying “why couldn’t he die tomorrow, at least I didn’t have to cancel my evening plans to visit to my mother’s place”. God only knows, how I suppressed the strong urge for calling her names and then kick on butt to throw her out. It might sound overreacting and you can call me an emotional fool but I still regret and feel that it was the right thing to do.

If you look around, our previous generations used to live and care for the joint families, neighborhoods and even distant relatives, but today, we are concerned with our immediate relations only. Me, my wife and my kids, that is it. Some times even parents don’t get place in the list. Quite obviously, the next generation if going to live for self only, the words “ME” and “MYSELF” are going to rule and thus be warned and prepared to see the worse times coming…

Cheers!

Money Talks Baby…

2008-08-27T19:12:00.004+05:30

Scene 1

Freaking out in city surrounded by glamorous shopping malls, multiplexes and pizza huts. A beggar comes to you, wrapped in rags, a wounded kid in hands and asking for 1 or 2 bucks. Your expression changes immediately as if feeling sick in stomach or like she is responsible for all problems in this world, or at least in your life. Ruthlessly ignoring her existence you will move ahead to light a 5 bucks cigarette and then probably toss the half burnt butt in the air.

Some of the perverts will go one step ahead and scan her from top to bottom while throwing in a filthy remark. And then probably enjoy her dirty curses with a smirk on face.

Errr… sounds familiar? You bet it does… Most of us have a pretty smart excuse (the most generic one I have ever heard in life) that its no use of giving money to these tramps, they will spend it on booze and drugs, or they should work hard and try to earn a living. Okay, agreed. But don’t you think that at least 1 out of those 10 could really be in need and the 5 bucks spent on a cigarette could give him/her some food for a day.

Scene 2

Your friend, relative or neighbor asks for a loan, say 5 grand, coz he/she is really in need. The immediate excuse will be are yaar, abi to thoda tangi chal rahi hai, dekhta hu kuch ho saka to (Sorry man, its quite difficult at this time, will see, if I could do some thing).

On the very same evening, you will go shopping with your wifey and present her with a 25 Grand necklace. What kind of difficult times are these? Agreed, you have your own priorities and your wife needed that necklace desperately (coz the heaps of other jewelry in her cupboard needed a new friend for company) but don’t you think that neighbor might have needed that money for more important reasons like some medicines or for the fee of the school going kids, which can not wait…

And before giving up, another incident which happened few days back…

One of my known is settled abroad with another generic excuse of earning good money and save that for future. She came here few days back and at that time her mother in law ended up in letting her son spend some good money on house hold. I heard her (my known) grumbling for several days that what kind of squanders are her in laws and how they don’t understand what pain they are taking to earn this money. Again, agreed… but ever thought, who else the parents will ask to. May be they are spending the money heartlessly but probably they did it in last 25 years as well while growing the children up and fulfilling their stupid demands. And no offences but if you can buy a luxury car in the name of need then you can very well spend some money on your parents’ not so urgent needs… isn’t it?

Cheers !

Politics AKA Raj Neeti. Why we are in such deep shit ?/!

2008-08-21T15:44:00.001+05:30

To be honest, I am not really sure if this is a question or exclamation. Hence both of the punctuations in the title! But okay, let us not get into grammar or fundamentals of English. The point is, if you are also like me, an ordinary and common individual with the slightest sense of goings- on, then probably this would be the most clichéd thought, banging into your head.

Actually, the answer lies some where in our very own indifferent attitude and way of thinking. Coz when it comes to grumbling or cursing, we spare no opportunity to throw in our two cents worth, but when we are required to do some thing on grass root level or share the responsibilities, we try equally hard to avoid the situations. Just try to stroll around and think, if you ever heard of an IIM graduate willing to join the politics? Ever heard of a so called intellectual rejecting the offer to go get settled in USA and opting the politics as a career option. The answer is a plain and simple NO, a big one actually. Given the chance to choose between politics and a fortune paying job, we will always pick the latter one. We come out of colleges while dreaming of a helluva nice paying job and immediately get settled into the first one thrown into our way. Use them as jump boards, switch 2 or 3 with a 50% hike in each and bingo! We are set for the life. What happens next… fairly relaxed while sitting in our cozy home or offices, we give our expert comments on every single scam, politician, corruption and what not. yaar, rajneeti ne desh ka kabaada kar diya (Buddy, politics has ruined this country). Quite an easy thing to do… no? Why not do some thing on root level and try to change the scenario. Nope, we won’t do that, come on, why to screw up a bright and rewarding future for the pothole like politics. Isn’t it?

On top of that, we always scream about corruption, dishonesty and bribery. However, when it comes to ourselves, we always prefer to kickback or manipulate some one to get the things done easily. Be it breaking a signal on road, crossing a queue or filing the deceptive (just trying to use a politically correct word) income tax return. If we are in power, we make it our prerogative to abuse the law. We do the very same things which we used to curse at some time.

So my friend, the fact is, all of us are equally responsible and hence live with it, unless some one decides to think and act differently…

Cheers!

Deadly Embrace… of relationships... and of course relatives !!

2008-08-16T21:35:00.001+05:30

Few days back, I was speaking to one of my friends (for the sake of name, let us call him Z here), and we were like, just bitching about this and that on every unimportant piece of the universe.

He is doing pretty good on the professional front, unlike few years back, and an obvious reaction was how the things have changed in all these years. A close relative of him often drop in to his office, just to say a quick hello. If it was 4 years back, the same smartass used to change direction or pretend as if he has not seen him (Z), when meeting in some wedding or other social gatherings.

In the similar gatherings, like wedding of a relative or friend, he used to be the most active and thoughtful person, helping a lot, working continuously for 3 days, as if it’s the marriage of his own sister or daughter. However, when it came to the treatment from the other party (the relative), he was the most neglected one. The friends, coming from USA or some thing with shitload of money were used to be the favorites.

As obviously things have changed now but that is not the point, the point is, he is the same Z what he was 4 years back, he still looks same, he still has the same ego, and his talks are equally boring or interesting as it was 4 years back, then why this change in the mindset of others. And the point is that it is actually about double standards and fakeness in our attitude. We admit it or not but we as Indians, are always trying to pretend the things. We always have double standards for every damn thing in this world. For our partner, we will be trying to pretend as if we are the most faithful one in this world (though we start eyeing the chicks as soon as we come out of her radar), for our parents, we always try to pretend as nice little kid without any bad habits, for our friends we try to look like the most caring and concerned person around, and the story goes on. Why so, why can’t we be ourselves every where? Why can’t we be straight forward in these relationships, and above all our attitude?

Imagine what happens when we meet to a relative or friend with a mutual feeling of strong dislike for each other. What we say and what we think

Me – Heyyy.. (gosh, the day is already bad enough and now this.. )
He – (with a broad smile) Hey.. (God.. I can’t stand this man)
Me – Long time no see (Not that I want to)
He – Yeah, you know, busy with the usual things (I have got better things to do)
Me – So, howz life (Though I couldn’t care less)
He – Life is cool (None of your business you see..)

And again, the story goes on…

Most of us, encounter such situations in our every day life and we react in more or less similar manner. Isn’t it about time to get real? Isn’t it time to stop pretending and be honest to others, and at least to ourselves? Keep thinking…

Cheers !!

What Abhinav Bindra’s Gold Medal means to us.. through the eyes of a Pessimist...

2008-08-12T17:11:00.003+05:30

Lo jee.. India has won a medal in Olympics. Vo bheee Gold. Isn’t it some thing !! So what, it’s the first individual medal in last 112 years. So what, if his father has spent some odd 5 Crores of his personal wealth to train his son (Yes, you can check him boasting in every damn news paper and news channel that if he was not a wealthy business man this could never have happened)

So what exactly this Gold Medal means to us as an average middle class Indian.. Again I repeat, through the eyes of a Pessimist

Be prepared to see him in every other advertisement while selling Soaps, Cola, Biscuit, Underwear, and any damn thing under this sky.
Government endowing him with a new house, new job, new car, Khel Ratna, Arjun award and what not.. that too on the cost of our hard earned money which they suck out of our blood as tax.
News Channels going Ga Ga over him for next couple of days and playing the same story in repeat mode while interviewing his school friends, teachers, relatives and every other person having a slightest relation to him
MTV declaring him as new youth icon of the year

There might be so many other things which we will see in coming few days but these are the immediate effects already flowing in.

Now I can’t help my thoughts from floating in but some times I wonder why a country like India, with its 1 billion of population, can’t do some thing respectable in sports when even tuchhu countries like Kenya, Cuba and Australia can score few Golds here and there in every Olympics or such events. No.. don’t even speak about Cricket, we know in our heart that if its not about 1 or 2 players in the team, our salty performance is visible there as well. But okay, look at the positive side of the picture.. Look at the things we do have and they cant even imagine about, in their weirdest dreams. Do they have a news channel like “India TV” with its sensational breaking news? Do they have politicians like Lalu and Bahan Mayawati who leave no stone unturned to take political advantages of every situation, even out of the horrifying incidents like Bomb Blasts and Communal riots? And what is Australia man.. we can and we are creating an Australia every year.. Aakhir bacche to bhagwan ki den hote hai yaar

Now some optimistic thoughts

I really hope, this will make a difference to an average Indian, forced to be lost some where in streets and slums while trying hard to do some thing in sports for his/her country. This will give a least hope, that no, this is not impossible.
May be our so called white collared officers and selection committee members will think again when charging the deserving candidates like Monika Devi with fake doping charges
The players who can and who are trying to do some thing good, will be inspired to do better in their game, rather than endorsing the brands.. (Saniya Mirza.. are you listening..)

Amen !

Kismat ka Connection..oh sorry.. Konnection

2008-08-10T23:08:00.001+05:30

It was really long since I watched a Hindi movie. Yes, of course our good old bollywood hindi filum.. When it comes to kill time without actually applying thoughts or mind, nothing else will do.

So this Sunday I decided to ditch the office for a while and watch a movie (The guys who know me well, also know that office is like a girl friend to me, and that too with a steaming heating romance on). I was like thinking and playing a recap in my mind for the trailers seen in last few days.. Jaane tu.. umm too chocolaty.. Singh is King.. oh, Akshay as Surd, that too with the strange beard.. neeeaah… So finally I settled on “Kismat Konnection” . Oh yeah, they spell the word connection like that. You know the bollywood man, no room for argument and no explanation for the logic. But.. I did apply some mind and logic. The cast seemed good, a sensible director (Aziz Mirza, the Yes Boss fame) and trailers looked amusing. Music, which is another important factor to me, also looked good, as I was playing couple of songs in my car from some days. However, what I didn’t realize at that time was what my kismat was actually up to.

So here it starts with a lousy plot and long haired Shahid Kapoor…. I am like all excited and eyes popping out. I really love bollywood movies and they seem to have such effect on me. Now just imagine the very first scene. Shahid is late for a meeting and his car is broken so he decides to do a run, all alone on his feet. No matter he is in Canada and distances would be far more than my bechara poor city Bikaner (at least that is what I imagine) but no guys.. no prize for guessing that he actually makes it in time. On top of that, when he reaches there, he is all fresh like just had an Ayurvedik Massage. I wish I could do some thing like that when getting late to my office in morning (which happens quite a lot but that story I will tell you some other time) and clients are screaming and threatening me to keep up with time.

One thing about Bollywood and our heroes, when they decide to do some thing, they do it, and the do it real big.. come what may..

Now some of you might think that how come I am trying to find a logic in a Hindi film, and I do agree, that is not fair. I should not do that and so I tried to convince myself that no.. it’s really a good movie.. they will catch up in next few reels and this much idiocy is okay. But, nothing happened, no pigs flied, Juhi came and went, trying hard to act and look like a friendly witch, Om Puri – ah what a waste of such a sensible actor, Himani Shivpuri defining new meanings to loud and overacting, and above all Vidya Balan with her trade mark street side dresses. Like a fresh lot has arrived in Sarojini Market or Fashion Street. Oh how I wish this lass has some sense of dressing.. and me.. I am still trying to convince myself that no this is a good movie. By the end of 1st hour I was like scratching my head and thinking why I am doing it to myself.. don’t I have some thing better to do

By the end of second hour, my dad, who was playing Solatire on his laptop in same room started giving me long stares… the meaning was clear, either you stop this crap or I am gonna do some thing terrible. But I still managed to overlook him by changing the positions. Though it didn’t really help like some times it does in Cricket Matches (the die hard cricket fans will know, what it means, especially in the crucial moments of an India – Pakistan match)

Thankfully the so called Konnection was over pretty soon and it left me with words “shopping mall” and “community center” banging in my head. Now you will have to go and see the movie to realize why it happened to me but trust me it’s a secret best kept undisclosed and going through the trauma of watching this movie to make sense of it is not really worth it.

Some times I wonder if it does not take money to create such movies. It must be Crores of bucks which they spend on producing the movies and how come financers (who must be very wise and clever men because one way or other, they have managed to earn so much money) agree to fund the project. Why can’t they do some thing sensible out of this money? Why don’t they realize that movie is a bummer when they watch it in private screenings during the production? These are some thoughts that hit to my mind quite often after coming out of a theater or after killing my precious 3 hours in front of the TV. Alas, only questions.. no answers so far.. any one and every one is invited to answer if they have some thoughts less wobble and scattered than mine…

Cheers !